Announcing New Book: Outspoken

Over the years I have blogged and written about the importance of storytelling. I’ve described storytelling as social protest. I continue to make the argument that stories serve as a critical witness to empower people to forge a path toward social change.

It’s been almost five years since I began using my own stories of coming out at a Christian college, surviving a gay exorcism, and discovering a way to reconcile my faith with my sexuality; all in hopes of instilling a sense of hope and encouragement in the lives of other LGBTQs.

Less than a year ago, I began to think: I should tell a story about storytelling.

Four Years Later: National Coming Out Day

Today is National Coming Out Day and exactly 4 years ago, I worked up the courage to, not just come out of the closet, but to come out very publicly as gay to the entire university community at Azusa Pacific University, one of the largest evangelical Christian universities in the United States.

Four years later, yes my life is better, but that is not the message I want to convey to queer individuals that are struggling to break their way out of the closet today.

My Great-Grandmother's Affirmation

Coming out is a difficult thing to do sometimes.  I remember dreading telling my parents, family, and friends, because I didn't know what to expect out of their responses and reactions.  My family was particularly difficult.  For some reason, the idea of being Latino and gay, just doesn't seem to go together in most Latin American families.

My dad was (and still is) very blinded by masculinist notions.  He grew up in a very patriarchal family and maintained a lot of those ideologies in his own personality and way of thinking.  He was definitely the last person I wanted to ever come out to.   My mom on the other hand, grew up in a very matriarchal family, but that didn't make things easier for coming out, my mom's family was also very Catholic and very believing that homosexuality was sinful.

There was one family member that I did confide in during the end of my ex-gay life and the beginnings of my coming out.  It was my great-grandmother (maternal).  My great-grandmother was born in Chihuahua, Mexico and was a very devout Catholic. She also lived for a very long, long time.  The summer I ended my ex-gay treatment and came out, was the summer that my great-grandmother passed away, but it was also the summer I came out to her.

I was very close to my great-grandmother and she was (and still is) my hero, because if there was anything she understood, it was unconditional love.

My great-grandmother was at convalescent hospital that entire summer; she was placed there after suffering from a major stroke.  I would visit her quite often, just to talk to her and to keep her company.  I started to share with her the things I was going through.  She would never respond vocally, be she would look at me and smile or squeeze my hand.

During her last few days, I decided that I was going to finally come out and say the words, "Abuelita, soy gay" (Grandmother, I'm gay).  I got a call from my parents one night telling me to get to the hospital, because her nurses said that it wouldn't be long before she would be passing on.  So I rush to the hospital and arrived there before anyone else.  As I held her hand and prayed with her, I finally spoke those three words to her.  With her last bit of strength she looked into my eyes, smiled, and pulled my hand towards her mouth to kiss it.

That moment for me was so important in my coming out process.  It was the affirmation that I needed to know that I was doing the right thing by getting out of reparative therapy.  It was the affirmation I needed to go on and to seek my own answers to what the Bible says and doesn't say about homosexuality.  It was the affirmation I needed that would give me strength and courage to tell my friends and family.

Next month will mark three years since my great-grandmother passed away, and three years since I stopped trying to suppress my God-given queer identity.

Gay ≠ Christian?

It's one thing that a lot of anti-gay Christians seem to think that I cannot be gay and be a Christian.  But lately I've gotten a lot of resistance from the gay community!  It really feels like reverse discrimination.  Here are the responses and questions I get on a regular basis:

"Why are you a religious studies major?  But you're gay...."

"Why would you go to church, you're gay?"

"You want to be a pastor?  You're gay though..."

It's so disheartening that I meet so many gay and lesbian people that tell me I can't be gay and be a Christian.  The irony is that they are saying the EXACT same thing that anti-gay Christians are saying, that there is no such thing as gay Christians.  So what is makes them any different from one another?  Both groups are sending a negative message.  Both groups are not helping closeted, questioning, and confused people that are trying to understand their identity within the context of their faith.

But what does this mean for us gay Christians?  We are forced into this third category, like we're special cases or something.  A binary system has been set up between being gay and being a Christian.  That is not inclusion.

You can be gay and be a Christian.  If you don't think so then you clearly don't understand the definition of being a Christian or being gay.  Neither one cancels the other out.  So lets stop this exclusion, because all it does is confuse those people that are trying to reconcile their faith and their sexuality, and they can't because there are uneducated people relaying false information that causes harm and confusion.

Queer Bombing

I am not sure if just in the spirit of a newly elected President of the Unites States that inaugural events seem to be exciting now, but today was the Inauguration of the new chancellor of the University of California, Riverside.  The theme chosen for the event was "Living The Promise;" the new Chancellor Timothy White shared what that theme means to him in his vision for the UCR community.

Today a group of students (including myself) decided that this would be an appropriate event to queer bomb.

Queer Bomb --verb-- 1. the collective action of a large group of persons gathering in a public space that is either 1. usually crowded and dominated by heterosexuals and/or heteronormative ideals OR 2. does not usually include queer/LGBT people or ideas for the purpose of increasing Queer Visibilitity, creating a Safer Space for queers in the public sphere through safety in numbers, and/or confronting normative hetero space to recognize, coexist, and converse with Queer persons and Queer presentations and Queer existance.

Example (used in a sentence): "Did you know we are going to queer bomb the bowling alley on friday night? Don't forget to wear your queer bomb t-shirt, it's mandatory!"

Definition provided by UCSB Queer Bombers.

We want Chancellor White to acknowledge and recognize the FULL diversity of the UCR community.  We wore our queer bomb shirts (with that logo on them) to the Inauguration and certainly got a lot of recognition and received many compliments.

The ASUCR (Associated Students) President told us how awesome it was that she could she see and recognize us from the bleachers while she gave her speech from the stage.

Chancellor White also greeted us and took a group picture with us.  He told us he was very proud of our community!  He was a great guy!

We felt this visibility was important, because so often LGBTQ people are left out of the vision for diversity.  We cannot let any communities go unrecognized or unacknowledged.  Putting faces to the topic and issues make them personal.

The events ended with a citrus tasting, which I was quite new to this concept of a "citrus tasting;" I am now a huge fan!

UPDATE:  This photo is actually from the UCR website in their section for the Inauguration.  Now the whole UCR community can see Chancellor White's support for the LGBTQ community on campus.

Dude-Sex

Straight Dude Drunk and Horny . . . Any str8 bud wanna jack? – 27. Here’s the deal. Went out drinking and clubbing, thought I’d hook up with a chick, but didn’t pan out. I’m buzzed, horny, checking out porn. Is there any other straight dude out there who would be into jacking while watching porn?...I’d rather hook up with a chick, but none of the CL [Craigslist] chicks ever work out.

Journey on over to Craigslist and read some of the postings for "Men Interested in Men" and you will find a BUNCH of postings just like this one--definitely some a bit more graphic.  A while back I wrote a blog titled, "No Fems!" that expressed my frustration with gay and bisexual men that place a lot of emphasis on masculine gender expression and label it "straight-acting."  But more recently I have been intrigued by another group of men:  straight-identified men that have sex with men.

I just read an amazing article by a professor, Jane Ward, that I will soon be one of my faculty advisors here at the University of California, Riverside, titled, “Dude-Sex: White Masculinities and ‘Authentic’ Heterosexuality Among Dudes Who Have Sex With Dudes.”

Abstract: Based on examination of an online community in which white "str8"-identified men assert that sex with other white men bolsters their heterosexual masculinity, this article examines the heterosexual and racialized meanings that white str8 dudes attach to their same-sex behaviors... I argue that in a culture constituted by both a racial and sexual binary, whiteness and heterosexuality are "natural" bedfellows that simultaneously signify the "really, really normal" subject. [Abstract from publisher's website]

Ward does an amazing job shedding light on this subject and I highly recommend reading the article if you are able to access it from the publisher's website.

There are so many questions that are raised when thinking about straight-identified men that have sex with other men--particularly identity questions.  I have had my own encounters with men this category of men.  Men that will have sex with men just for the sake of having sex (the ecstasy, the pleasure, etc.) but identify as straight.  They claim that sex is just a physical thing and they are able to separate sex from emotions.

So is it possible?  Can one identify as one sexual orientation and cross over sexually just for the sake of physical and sexual satisfaction?

When I began peaking out of the closet I was very hesitant about meeting anyone since I was not willing to allow myself to "outed" or even really to admit that I was seeking out guys because that would mean that I accepted my homosexual identity (I was still convinced that I was straight, or would at least end up straight).  I met this one guy in my dorm hall that I started fooling around with.  It was a way for me to start understanding my attractions for other men, even if I was determined to make them go away.  The guy on the other hand had no same-sex attractions.  He was a rather sexually active straight college student.  Our little rendezvous were (at least for him) just another way to be sexually satisfied.  He made it very clear that it was sex for the sake of sex and that he was straight.

Our little "meetings" ended when I confessed to my counselor that I was seeing a regular sex partner.  In my quest to freedom from homosexuality I had no problem cutting him out of my life--although it was tough because he lived down the hall.  I look back and see that area of my life as part of my coming out experience and how I was able to make sense out of why I am naturally attracted to men.

After I ended my sessions with my counselor and came out as openly gay I made contact with him again.  I figured sharing my journey with him and how I was able to affirm my own sexual orientation would at least inspire him to feel comfortable with himself and accept his own gay identity.  Except, he doesn't have a gay identity.  It was sex for the sake of sex.

I think it is important to then move away from (or perhaps past) being defined solely by sexual activity.  Were I to never have sex again, I would still be gay.

I discussed this topic with my friend Brian Murphy and we both raised some very important questions about sex and sexual orientation:  How much weight do we place on sex acts?  What is "straight" or "heterosexual"?   How do we balance identification with action?  How has a "straight" identity (ours or another) impeded relationships or personal growth?

I personally would like to argue that one's sexual orientation is not defined by their sexual activity.  Looking at ancient civilizations, it is easier to to understand how this argument can be true.

All around I think this is an interesting topic for us to think about and to begin processing.  How much of our identity is based on our actions?  I look forward to posting more about this subject and I welcome feedback and different perspectives.

Cultivating Our Queer Community

I am personally very excited about 2009, because I have some exciting plans in my agenda that will help transform not only communities, but myself as well.

February 13-15, I will attending the 19th Annual Western Regional LGBTQIA College Conference at the University of California, Santa Barbara.  The mission of the 2009 Western Regional LGBTQIA College Conference is to educate and empower queer youth, students, families, professionals, community members, and allies by providing an all inclusive space to dialogue about critical issues, to network with other leaders, and to mobilize our community from the ground up---all in line with their theme for this year:  "Cultivating Our Queer Community."

At the conference I will be facilitating a workshop on the ex-gay movement and the ex-gay survivor movement.  I will discuss the various reasons why some us chose ex-gay programs, potential harms, and what the LGBTQ community can do in response to reparative therapies and how to reach out to survivors and those considering going through reparative therapy.  I will draw on my own experiences and the stories of other ex-gay survivors.  I also plan to share a couple scenes from "Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House" by Peterson Toscano.

It is going to be a fantastic weekend of fellowship with other LGBTQ advocates and our allies.  I am really excited about having the opportunity to continue sharing my story with others (especially young people).  It's exhausting at times though (emotionally and physically) when we recount these events and experiences in our past, but it is also rewarding.  I encourage people to begin to share their life stories through any means of communication, whether it be through writing, video, poetry, art, etc.  You will find that these outlets are a great catharsis.

This year we should commit ourselves to sharing our stories!  At least through one way, even if that means sharing your story with a friend over coffee.  Get out there and share your story!

UPDATE:  I will also be co-facilitating an open caucus for Queer People of Color and First Generation college students.

Prayers For Bobby

This is the story of Mary Griffith, a gay rights crusader whose teenage son committed suicide because of her religious intolerance.  Based on the book of the same title by Leroy Aarons, actress Sigourney Weaver does an amazing job sharing this emotional experience through her character of Mary.

This trailer brought tears to my eyes, I can only imagine how much more powerful the film will be in it's full length.  This movie is such a great resource for parents that don't know how to handle with their LGBT child comes out to them.  The movie airs on Lifetime on January 24th, check your local listings.

Childhood Brainwashing?

Over the past couple of months I've been doing as much as I can to raise opposition to Proposition 8 in California.  That has included volunteering at the phone bank for "No On 8" and just reaching out to friends and family to spread the word.  But for every bulletin I post on Myspace about Prop 8, I am met with resistance...by a thirteen-year-old.

My thirteen-year-old cousin has really enjoyed challenging me on my beliefs, interpretations, and opinions on politics.  However, he shares information with me that I've heard before, because I used to be in the same place he was at his age.  But he disregards that and chooses to put down my marriage and call me a sinner.  This is the last message I received from him...

VINCE AT LEAST 75% OF PASTORS AND CHURCHES THINK GAY MARRIAGE IS WRONG AND IT IS. GUESS WHAT I JUST TURNED SOME ONE WHO WAS GAY INTO A STRAIGHT MAN HE WAS MY NEIGHBOR, I TOOK HIM TO CHURCH AND HE FEELS WRONG THAT HES GAY SO I CHANGED HIM AND I SHOWED HIM THE PAPER I MADE THAT I SENT TO YOU. I'M PRAYING FOR YOU AND HIM. I THINK GOD IS USING ME TO CHANGE GAYS. I ALREADY CHANGED ONE AND I CAN CHANGE 2 MORE.

I was left speechless.  There are so many things wrong with this message.  Where does a thirteen-year-old get the idea that God has chosen them to "change the gays?"  Not to mention that he thinks he's been successful in converting at least one person and has the power to change more.  I politely responded that I tried reparative therapies and they don't work and that using guilt to push someone back into the closet is not the same thing as converting them to heterosexuality.  But what are church leaders teaching young people today?

It is not okay for a junior high student to believe that God has given him superpowers to make people straight--it's not okay for anyone to believe that.  Granted, when I was that age, I believed that homosexuality was wrong and I would voice that, but I never thought I could change gay people; but I also never thought it was fixable, I just thought they were out of luck and were destined for hell.

It is disturbing that there are church leaders that would be very proud of this young man's efforts.  Churches are using dangerous indoctrinating messages to turn children into mini-reparative therapists.  That is a scary abuse of religion.

Parents of LGBTQ Children

Parents have been on my mind a lot lately. It all started last week when I was visiting my mom and she was sharing a rather exciting moment with me. A classmate in one of her classes asked her if she had ever seen “Brokeback Mountain.” As she was proudly sharing the romantic plot of the movie one her male colleagues interrupted her to say that movie was about “two cowboys that go camping to become fags.” This was the first time my mom has ever been faced with having to respond to the use of anti-gay epithets. She firmly stood up and looked the gentleman in the eyes and assertively told him, “I don’t like that word.” He replied, “Well they are fags!” She then said, “My son is gay and I love him very much. That word, ‘fag,’ is dirty, violent, harmful, and I’m not going to let you or anyone insult my son, my family, and the many other LGBT people that we are all connected with. Now, like I said, ‘I don’t like that word.’” The gentleman quickly backed down and apologized many, many times. The class applauded and quickly people started sharing with her about their gay relatives.  I was incredibly proud of my mom and was tearing up when she told me.

Coincidently, the next day I had received a message on YouTube from a man who wanted to share his mother’s experience with his coming out experience. She allegedly speaks out quite a bit on being a mother of a gay son. I watched a YouTube video of her speaking. When her son first came out to her, she insisted on reparative therapy. He never spoke to her again. It was after that she realized that was doing something wrong as a parent: she forgot to love him. Her mission isn’t to teach a position on homosexuality (while I think she may not agree with it though, but that’s just a personal observation), she wants to teach parents to remember that they are called to love their children unconditionally. There was a line from her speech that I loved, “I cannot teach you how to change your children, but I can teach you how to love them!”

Not every parent of a LGBTQ child has to stand up in class to acknowledge that have a gay child. Every mom doesn’t have to be a PFLAG member and march in the Pride parade. Every parent doesn’t have to be “out.” But parents do have a duty as a parent to love their children unconditionally. All too often when children come out their parents, they are not reminded that they are loved. Parents too often focus on “who” their children are attracted to, they care about what the church will the think, they don’t want their little boys wearing dresses, etc. But they need to pause and remember that before saying anything else to their child, they need to remind them that they are loved no matter what.

I’ve been in contact with this young man who is in his coming out process. He just came out to his father. His father responded ignorantly on the subject and doesn’t ever want to hear anything about it ever again. What’s hurting my friend the most is that his father never told him loved him still. My friend said that he doesn’t care if his dad will disagree with his homosexuality, but he wants to know that he will still be loved.

Parents, you have a duty to your children to remind that no matter what you will love them without reservation.

A New Type of Cultural Immersion

I just recently moved into my apartment at the University of California, Santa Barbara.  My apartments I live in have 4 students assigned to a 2 bedroom apartment.  After I got my roommate assignments, I quickly noticed that I was the only one in the apartment that wasn't heterosexual.

It has been 2 years since I have lived with straight roommate, that experience was very interesting for the both of us (considering he was living with two gay roommates).  It has been 3 years since I've lived with a straight person I don't know, except 3 years ago, I wasn't out of the closet and for some of the time I was oblivious to my same-gender attractions.

But now here I am, I'm out, I've been through so many life experiences since then.  I'm a huge advocate for social justice for LGBT people, and I'm living with 3 heterosexual males.  I have to admit that I was very nervous at first, I still am in fact.  Of what?  That's what I'm not sure about.  I guess that I want my apartment to be a safe place for me and perhaps nervous that by living with 3 straight roommates that's not possible.  Wonderfully, I have no complaints about my roommates though.

I haven't taken it upon myself to come out to them though.  Part of me feels that it might be unnecessary, since most people can just sort of figure that out after 10 minutes of talking with me.  Plus, if they glance at my book collection, or see the rainbow stole I have in my room, they might just get it on their own.  But I also feel it's unnecessary, because I want them to get to know me as just Vincent, as opposed to Vincent the Gay.

As much as I want them to learn more about the LGBTQ community, by experiencing living with a gay student, I feel that in this scenario, I think I will be the one that will be learning more.  I admit that I have had some preconceived notions about heterosexual men.  I know that's not fair at all.  I have many ally friends that are guys.  But naturally, that's what came to my mind first.  The thoughts that they are gonna see me as less than a man, or that they are secretly homophobic, or something to that extent.  By living with these guys, I hope that I learn enough about them and they can learn enough about me, so that I can continue to bridge this gap of awkwardness and resistance between the straight and LGBTQ communities.

I really do need some prayer support though.  It's going to be a journey.

The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet

So after a very long flight to New York City, I was finally there. I woke up bright and early to head to the studio of Fox News. The segment was "Teen Confessions on the Web" focusing on teenagers who share their intimate secrets online and their parents usually have no idea.

My story was basically I came out of the closet initially online and that's how my family essentially figured out my sexual orientation. My mom and I were both on the show with Mike and Juliet, it was a great experience overall I must say. Although it would have been great if the entire segment was on coming out. But I understand where my story fits in with this segment.

To watch the show online just go to the show's website at this link http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/teen-web-confessions/

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