Launch of New Blog on Queer Chican@ Theology

Over the past few years I have been shifting my work to have a more theological focus, as my way of approaching how I engage LGBT and Queer activism. It was during my time at Harvard Divinity School that I began to tease out my interests and begin honing in on what I wanted to focus my energy and time toward. I have wrestled with developing a queer theology that moves beyond homonormative thinking, while affirming the multicultural make-up of queers. I've been trying to liberate myself from a liberation theology that does not foreground my queerness as something that deserves to be liberated from the structures in place that oppress me. And I have arrived at a space where I find it necessary to begin having those conversations.

With the rise of jotería studies, an emerging field engaging queerness and Chicana/o studies, I am interested in how using this new language in conversation with my background in theology will open doors to begin looking at how we talk about same-sex desire in Latin American and Chicana/o contexts. What I'm basically getting at is, I started a new blog! One that will be receiving more attention than this, as that's where I feel my heart is at right now.

JOT(E)LOGÍA is an experimental conversation about understanding same-sex desire and queerness on a postcolonial, theological level. In other words, how representations of the sexualized body function as religious and spiritual practice. I endeavor to use an intersectional, intertextual, and intersexual approach to looking into what this new area looks like, making use of texts, images, videos, art, etc. So please make you're way over there to bookmark it and join in on the conversation! I really do look forward to seeing what comes of this project.

While my energy will focused on moving into this next chapter of my writing and thinking, I am still committed to speaking out against the ex-gay movement and affirming safe-spaces within the church and religious institutions for LGBTQ individuals. I look forward to still traveling the country to share my story and the stories of others on how we have found a place of reconciliation within ourselves. For information on booking me to speak at your school, church, or event, please email booking@vincentcervantes.com for more information.

New Chapter: Endings and Beginnings

I know that it has been about six month since my last post and even before then I was not keeping up a regular posting schedule as I used to in the past. But I figured at this juncture in the my life an update was appropriately due.

To repeat all the expected cliches of someone ending a life-changing event and about to embark on a new one, I wanted to express that I do look forward to what is to come and that the past few years have been the some of the most formative and influential years in my life thus far, and that when I look back I will remember how much I grew as a person and how much my work I will continue will be forever changed.

Introducing a New Chapter in My Life!

Over the past few years I've been giving thought to how I want to advance the art and power of storytelling. Not just the work that comes from telling my own story and experiences, but finding a way to support the stories we all tell. The things we all write about. And the subjects we're all concerned with.

The past couple of years I've been working on major book projects. One is complete and others are forthcoming. Through the process of writing my own work and finding ways for my essays and larger projects to get published, I realize there are not too many opportunities for emerging writers to get their ideas and work out there in published form. And frankly, that's unacceptable. These voices of young emerging writers offer a refreshing and critical outlook on society that's invaluable for our movement and culture at large. That being so, I've envisioned for a while creating a way for young writers to have the opportunity to get their work published. Well, my dreams have come into fruition!

This month I launched Ruca Press, an independent publisher of serious works of non-fiction and fiction that engage the intersectionality of race, gender, sexuality, religion, and society—with an emphasis projects from young adults, LGBT/Queers, and people of color.

2011: Time For Change

As I reflect on 2010, I am thankful for the many opportunities that were presented to me. I am thankful for the experiences I had. I graduated from the University of California, Riverside, moved clear across the country to Boston and here I am.

Moving to Boston has been a time of rebirth and new-birth for me in many ways. I find myself passionate about different things, writing about different things, talking about different things. My resolution for 2011 is to embrace the changes in my life. That begins with changing the look and feel of my websites. Both my blog and personal site have taken on new looks and new objectives.

Season's Greetings from California!

I'm in California as I'm writing this blog post. I have finished my first semester as a grad student at Harvard Divinity School. I'm glad to be done and out of the cold for a little bit. As 2010 comes to a close I will reflect on my year and how I've seen the movement grow and not. But that will have to wait until I return from my vacation. In the meantime, enjoy this photo of the blue skies in San Diego. Happy Holidays!!

Staying connected!

This has been a long overdue post. I wanted to take some time to reintroduce the many ways that folks can get in contact with or even just stay connected with me online. There are several ways to do this:

• Subscribe to my blog via email! This way you won't have to visit my site every day to look for new posts. Instead they'll be delivered directly to your inbox.
• Tweet me! You can follow my Twitter account to read my latest updates, interesting thoughts about events, news, etc. I tweet very often when I'm traveling and at conferences.
• Add me as a friend on Facebook. We all learned from The Social Network, that Facebook really is the one thing online that connects us all to one another.
• Watch and subscribe to my videos on YouTube. Over the past couple of years I have vlogged about my coming out experience, 'ex-gay' experience, and my stint with an exorcism. Check out my channel!
• Say hello! I invite emails and inquiries anytime. You can fill out the contact form by click on the 'Contact' tab, and those messages go directly to my inbox. 

Reclaiming Our Aspirations

As a child I was always reminded by my teachers that I could grow up to become anything I wanted to be. I really took that to heart as I was growing up. I went through many different phases of wanting to become a lawyer, a doctor, Spanish teacher, veterinarian, Broadway actor, you name it, I probably wanted to be it at some point.

If I were to ask my 8-year-old self, even my 17-year-old self, if I could imagine being where I am today, the answer would be no. Even though I didn’t grow up to become the things I imagined, does that I mean I have to give up on those passions and dreams?

Headed to Harvard Divinity School

I am graduating (finally) this June from the University of California, Riverside with a B.A. in Religious Studies and I wanted to take the time to personally announce that this fall I will be joining the student body at Harvard Divinity School in Cambridge, MA.

I am very excited about this opportunity. The decisions that went into deciding which graduate school I wanted to attend were very difficult to make, and each school received special consideration.

I am looking forward to the challenges and successes ahead while I'm at student at Harvard. I will be blogging more about my experiences as a queer divinity school student in the near future.

My Reasons for Going Ex-Gay

As I am keeping up with blogs and posts about Bryce Faulkner and how his parents coerced him into an ex-gay program, I am beginning to reflect back on the reasons I had when I chose to enter into reparative therapy.

I am certainly around the same age as Bryce, except I in no way think that our stories are the same. But I do understand the pressures of being a dependent college student and being faced with difficult decisions.

I came to recognize my same-sex attractions during my first year of college at Azusa Pacific University. It was very confusing, and at times frightening, to recognize my same-sex attractions will being a student at Christian university. I remember having a lot of fear. Fear of being "figured out" and then kicked out of school for being gay. Fear of my parents finding out and disowning me. Fear that I would some how end up with AIDS, die, and be eternally damned to hell.

I made the decision myself to go through reparative therapy because I thought it was the best choice to make at that time; yet it was a choice nonetheless. I also made the choice to not tell my parents that I was receiving "help" for my sexual orientation. My choice lead me down a path of even more confusion, spiritual abuse, and shame. My choice to get"help" did me more harm than good.

Several years later, I am "out" and live my life as an openly gay person. But I am still asked all the time, "Why would you choose to go ex-gay?" Back then, my answer would have been something like, "Well, because I'm a Christian." Soon after that answer became, "I believed that it was sinful." After spending a lot of time processing my life experiences I have come to realize that that answer is a really "bad" answer; I might even go as far to say that it's the "wrong" answer.

Peterson Toscano wrote a blog last year titled, "The MANY reasons I went Ex-Gay." After reading his blog I began to start listing why I truly let myself make the choice to go through reparative therapy:

- I thought I would be kicked out school.
- I feared that my parents would disown me and cut me off from the rest of the family.
- Negative portrayals of LGBT people in the media and in the church.
- Fear of getting AIDS and other STDs I would get if I came out as gay.
- Wanted to get married and have a family.
- Fear of becoming promiscuous, yet lonely.
- Fear of physical violence against LGBT people.

Choices come with consequences. I've faced the consequences of making both decisions: to be ex-gay and to be ex-ex-gay. Both were not easy decisions to make. Ultimately though, I realized that my decision to go ex-gay was not because I thought it was sinful to be gay. Instead it was because of fear of the outcomes that would arise had I not chosen to do something about it. Alas, several years later I have come to realize the outcomes.

My heart does go out to Bryce and those supporting him. His decision to listen to his parents clearly was not an easy one, but a choice he did in theory make. It is unfortunate the levels of manipulation people will use to control and affect the lives of people.

My Great-Grandmother's Affirmation

Coming out is a difficult thing to do sometimes.  I remember dreading telling my parents, family, and friends, because I didn't know what to expect out of their responses and reactions.  My family was particularly difficult.  For some reason, the idea of being Latino and gay, just doesn't seem to go together in most Latin American families.

My dad was (and still is) very blinded by masculinist notions.  He grew up in a very patriarchal family and maintained a lot of those ideologies in his own personality and way of thinking.  He was definitely the last person I wanted to ever come out to.   My mom on the other hand, grew up in a very matriarchal family, but that didn't make things easier for coming out, my mom's family was also very Catholic and very believing that homosexuality was sinful.

There was one family member that I did confide in during the end of my ex-gay life and the beginnings of my coming out.  It was my great-grandmother (maternal).  My great-grandmother was born in Chihuahua, Mexico and was a very devout Catholic. She also lived for a very long, long time.  The summer I ended my ex-gay treatment and came out, was the summer that my great-grandmother passed away, but it was also the summer I came out to her.

I was very close to my great-grandmother and she was (and still is) my hero, because if there was anything she understood, it was unconditional love.

My great-grandmother was at convalescent hospital that entire summer; she was placed there after suffering from a major stroke.  I would visit her quite often, just to talk to her and to keep her company.  I started to share with her the things I was going through.  She would never respond vocally, be she would look at me and smile or squeeze my hand.

During her last few days, I decided that I was going to finally come out and say the words, "Abuelita, soy gay" (Grandmother, I'm gay).  I got a call from my parents one night telling me to get to the hospital, because her nurses said that it wouldn't be long before she would be passing on.  So I rush to the hospital and arrived there before anyone else.  As I held her hand and prayed with her, I finally spoke those three words to her.  With her last bit of strength she looked into my eyes, smiled, and pulled my hand towards her mouth to kiss it.

That moment for me was so important in my coming out process.  It was the affirmation that I needed to know that I was doing the right thing by getting out of reparative therapy.  It was the affirmation I needed to go on and to seek my own answers to what the Bible says and doesn't say about homosexuality.  It was the affirmation I needed that would give me strength and courage to tell my friends and family.

Next month will mark three years since my great-grandmother passed away, and three years since I stopped trying to suppress my God-given queer identity.

F*cking the Binary

Everyone, say hello to Carmen!  For those of you that don't know, I recently made my drag debut at the University of California, Riverside's Annual Dragalicious Drag Ball.  It was certainly a lot of fun and my wig even fell off, so yea, great times!  I was asked some questions by our student newspaper about the event and one question stood with me after I answered:  What is the purpose of tonight?

When I got home someone had sent me a message on Facebook asking what is the purpose of drag, since he was under the impression that it meant that I was trying to fulfill my desire to be a girl because I must feel like I'm really a girl inside (so basically asking if I was transitioning).  My answer to him was my answer to the student newspaper:  The purpose of drag is first and foremost to have fun!  But also, to deconstruct the gender binary structure that society has locked all of us into.  Or as one of my friends said, "To f*ck the gender binary!" Drag allows people to play with gender and rip up the binary table!  One of our drag king performers actually did a great performance of that actually!  Click here to watch that.

I offer a workshop/presentation called, (trans) it, that focuses on transgender and gender diversity where I discuss the gender spectrum and how there is a brick wall that separates masculine from feminine.  The wall exists because society has lead us to believe that we always have to know which is which.  In the beginning of the presentation I share a YouTube video from Chris Crocker.  I share it with you now:

My Personal Gay Christian Theme Song

I have written a few times about my wonderful experiences I had while I was in choir at Azusa Pacific University.  Music was the way I was able to process things. It was a way for me to transfer my energy and frustration into something productive and creative.  As I am studying for my final exams I have my iTunes playing in the background.  My study playlist includes not only show tunes (given) but also recordings of the Azusa Pacific Men's Chorale.

As I was listening through some of my favorite songs, I came across the song, "If Any Man Be In Christ."  It was a song I really enjoyed performing.  I actually didn't realize how gendered the song was, it was an adaptation of "If Any One Be In Christ"--changed for to accommodate an all-male choir.  But I began reflecting over the lyrics and started really feeling like this song sums up for me my own journey of being a gay Christian.

All things are made new,

For God has reconciled us

Through faith in Jesus Christ.

Our sins have been forgiven

Now we are children of light.

We are ambassadors

For Christ...

We now implore you,

We now implore in the name of Jesus.

Be reconciled,

Be reconciled to God.

At first I had to reflect on what "sin" it is that God has forgiven me of as a gay Christian.  And then it made sense:  before coming out I was truly bearing false witness to who I was and to God's creation.  I turned my back on God because 1.) I was angry that zie wouldn't "deliver me" from homosexuality, and 2.) I was ashamed that I was unable to change, I thought you couldn't be gay and be a Christian.  God forgave me for turning away and for denying the beauty of hir creation.  And once God forgave me, all things were made new.

As a gay Christian I am an ambassador.  I strive to be a living example of reconciling love and grace.  I implore other Christians in the name of Jesus to practice his teachings of love and grace.  Listen to "If Any Man Be In Christ" below.

Queer Bombing

I am not sure if just in the spirit of a newly elected President of the Unites States that inaugural events seem to be exciting now, but today was the Inauguration of the new chancellor of the University of California, Riverside.  The theme chosen for the event was "Living The Promise;" the new Chancellor Timothy White shared what that theme means to him in his vision for the UCR community.

Today a group of students (including myself) decided that this would be an appropriate event to queer bomb.

Queer Bomb --verb-- 1. the collective action of a large group of persons gathering in a public space that is either 1. usually crowded and dominated by heterosexuals and/or heteronormative ideals OR 2. does not usually include queer/LGBT people or ideas for the purpose of increasing Queer Visibilitity, creating a Safer Space for queers in the public sphere through safety in numbers, and/or confronting normative hetero space to recognize, coexist, and converse with Queer persons and Queer presentations and Queer existance.

Example (used in a sentence): "Did you know we are going to queer bomb the bowling alley on friday night? Don't forget to wear your queer bomb t-shirt, it's mandatory!"

Definition provided by UCSB Queer Bombers.

We want Chancellor White to acknowledge and recognize the FULL diversity of the UCR community.  We wore our queer bomb shirts (with that logo on them) to the Inauguration and certainly got a lot of recognition and received many compliments.

The ASUCR (Associated Students) President told us how awesome it was that she could she see and recognize us from the bleachers while she gave her speech from the stage.

Chancellor White also greeted us and took a group picture with us.  He told us he was very proud of our community!  He was a great guy!

We felt this visibility was important, because so often LGBTQ people are left out of the vision for diversity.  We cannot let any communities go unrecognized or unacknowledged.  Putting faces to the topic and issues make them personal.

The events ended with a citrus tasting, which I was quite new to this concept of a "citrus tasting;" I am now a huge fan!

UPDATE:  This photo is actually from the UCR website in their section for the Inauguration.  Now the whole UCR community can see Chancellor White's support for the LGBTQ community on campus.

Memories: Carman and God's Army

I have been off the radar for the past couple of days (and will continue to be for a bit more) due to the end of the academic quarter.  I have been finalizing papers and preparing for an exam that I am most certainly not looking forward to.

Whenever I need a distraction from studying I browse the Internet looking for things that I find nostalgic.  As I was working on a paper for my Evangelical Religion, Culture, and Media in the United States class, I started thinking about the very first Christian concert I went to.  I was around 8 or 9 years old and my mom and I went to the Selland Arena in Fresno, California on a bus with our church to see....CARMAN!  I was the happiest little boy ever!  I remember standing there with my hands raised and eyes fixed upwards towards heaven during the entire concert.

As I look back now, Carman was a very interesting person.  My favorite song was "God's Got An Army."  It's strange how there is so much reference to violence and fighting (even if it is figurative) in contemporary Christian music, even though Christ teaches us to turn the other cheek.

Cultivating Our Queer Community

I am personally very excited about 2009, because I have some exciting plans in my agenda that will help transform not only communities, but myself as well.

February 13-15, I will attending the 19th Annual Western Regional LGBTQIA College Conference at the University of California, Santa Barbara.  The mission of the 2009 Western Regional LGBTQIA College Conference is to educate and empower queer youth, students, families, professionals, community members, and allies by providing an all inclusive space to dialogue about critical issues, to network with other leaders, and to mobilize our community from the ground up---all in line with their theme for this year:  "Cultivating Our Queer Community."

At the conference I will be facilitating a workshop on the ex-gay movement and the ex-gay survivor movement.  I will discuss the various reasons why some us chose ex-gay programs, potential harms, and what the LGBTQ community can do in response to reparative therapies and how to reach out to survivors and those considering going through reparative therapy.  I will draw on my own experiences and the stories of other ex-gay survivors.  I also plan to share a couple scenes from "Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House" by Peterson Toscano.

It is going to be a fantastic weekend of fellowship with other LGBTQ advocates and our allies.  I am really excited about having the opportunity to continue sharing my story with others (especially young people).  It's exhausting at times though (emotionally and physically) when we recount these events and experiences in our past, but it is also rewarding.  I encourage people to begin to share their life stories through any means of communication, whether it be through writing, video, poetry, art, etc.  You will find that these outlets are a great catharsis.

This year we should commit ourselves to sharing our stories!  At least through one way, even if that means sharing your story with a friend over coffee.  Get out there and share your story!

UPDATE:  I will also be co-facilitating an open caucus for Queer People of Color and First Generation college students.

First Sermon: Psalm 139:1-6, 13-18

Peterson Toscano: Why I went ex-gay

Recently Peterson has been reflecting on the many reasons why he chose to go "ex-gay."  He mentions that as we have these conversations about why we would choose ex-gay route, we often add depth to the conversations as we begin to go through this process of sharing.

Below is a video of Peterson sharing in his own words some of the reasons he chose to go ex-gay.

"In The Life" focuses on former ex-gays

The ex-gay movement and its survivors become the focus of the latest segment of "In The Life;" the segment draws on the stories of ex-gay survivors and faith leaders.  The Ex-Gay Survivor's Conference that was held in Irvine, California is also featured in this segment; sharing the process that many of us have gone through to begin healing the hurts and wounds that were left through our experiences in ex-gay therapy.

The segment shows a few clips of me sharing parts of my ex-gay experience.  It was recorded at a time that I was just beginning to become comfortable with sharing that part of my life with other people.  My hope was that my story would serve as a witness to the many men and women, young and old, that consider the thought that they are unholy and unworthy of God's love because they are LGBTQ.  Today, that is still my hope and goal of sharing my story, wherever that may be.  Follow the link to view the segment!

Childhood Brainwashing?

Over the past couple of months I've been doing as much as I can to raise opposition to Proposition 8 in California.  That has included volunteering at the phone bank for "No On 8" and just reaching out to friends and family to spread the word.  But for every bulletin I post on Myspace about Prop 8, I am met with resistance...by a thirteen-year-old.

My thirteen-year-old cousin has really enjoyed challenging me on my beliefs, interpretations, and opinions on politics.  However, he shares information with me that I've heard before, because I used to be in the same place he was at his age.  But he disregards that and chooses to put down my marriage and call me a sinner.  This is the last message I received from him...

VINCE AT LEAST 75% OF PASTORS AND CHURCHES THINK GAY MARRIAGE IS WRONG AND IT IS. GUESS WHAT I JUST TURNED SOME ONE WHO WAS GAY INTO A STRAIGHT MAN HE WAS MY NEIGHBOR, I TOOK HIM TO CHURCH AND HE FEELS WRONG THAT HES GAY SO I CHANGED HIM AND I SHOWED HIM THE PAPER I MADE THAT I SENT TO YOU. I'M PRAYING FOR YOU AND HIM. I THINK GOD IS USING ME TO CHANGE GAYS. I ALREADY CHANGED ONE AND I CAN CHANGE 2 MORE.

I was left speechless.  There are so many things wrong with this message.  Where does a thirteen-year-old get the idea that God has chosen them to "change the gays?"  Not to mention that he thinks he's been successful in converting at least one person and has the power to change more.  I politely responded that I tried reparative therapies and they don't work and that using guilt to push someone back into the closet is not the same thing as converting them to heterosexuality.  But what are church leaders teaching young people today?

It is not okay for a junior high student to believe that God has given him superpowers to make people straight--it's not okay for anyone to believe that.  Granted, when I was that age, I believed that homosexuality was wrong and I would voice that, but I never thought I could change gay people; but I also never thought it was fixable, I just thought they were out of luck and were destined for hell.

It is disturbing that there are church leaders that would be very proud of this young man's efforts.  Churches are using dangerous indoctrinating messages to turn children into mini-reparative therapists.  That is a scary abuse of religion.

Somehow I'll Make a Man Out of You

How many of you have heard that song from the Disney movie Mulan, "I'll Make a Man Out of You?" I feel like that song represents an interesting part of my ex-gay experience. I've been visiting San Diego State University for the past two weeks (my husband is a student here) and they've been having Greek Week, which is a time for students to find out about the fraternities and sororities on campus and then perhaps rush for them. There was one fraternity that really caught my eye, Alpha Gamma Omega, SDSU's only Christ-centered fraternity. So I decided to check out some of the things they do. They do: Worship Night, Wakeboarding, Beach Football, Broomball, and then "Bigger or Better" (I'm not sure what that means exactly).

Their activities they have planned really got me thinking about gender roles and how they could possibly be trying to re-assert their masculinity by these activities. I was taught through my reparative therapy counseling sessions that men engage in these activities not to necessarily "butch" ourselves up, but because sports are a natural way for guys to connect with another.

Because I was told that my father did an inadequate job raising me to be a "man of God," I was assigned to male mentor in the church.

For us guys in the program they partner us up with straight male mentors, particularly men who are a little older, overweight, and balding. Well, the therapeutic theory behind this is that they believe that these guys will serve as less of temptation for us. But I have a little confession to make. I find those guys kinda hot. --Chad, Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House

My male mentor's job was to pretty much be the good Christian example that my father wasn't. We went out to play catch at the lake, we went to go see action flicks at the cinema, and like every good Christian "dad" he took me to a Promise Keepers convention where I was supposed to learn how to become a "man of integrity." From my mentor I was supposed to receive constant reaffirmation for the good things I did that were representative of an authentic "man of God."

However, through my attempts to "reconnect with my masculinity" I ironically began to feel like less of a man through the activities that I was doing. I felt like masculinity was being defined for me. I always knew that I was a feminine guy. I had heard that since I was a small boy and I had learned to accept it. But my male mentor didn't know how to respond to that. He had 2 sons that were older than me and I'm sure he was just doing what he done with his sons when he raised them. Eventually he had starting feeling like he was doing something wrong as a leader, but then changed his mind to the belief that there was just more that was wrong with me.

So as these fraternity brothers play their beach football and tackle one another with no shirts on, I wonder if they do so because they too believe that sports are just the natural way for men to connect with one another.