Parents of LGBTQ Children

Parents have been on my mind a lot lately. It all started last week when I was visiting my mom and she was sharing a rather exciting moment with me. A classmate in one of her classes asked her if she had ever seen “Brokeback Mountain.” As she was proudly sharing the romantic plot of the movie one her male colleagues interrupted her to say that movie was about “two cowboys that go camping to become fags.” This was the first time my mom has ever been faced with having to respond to the use of anti-gay epithets. She firmly stood up and looked the gentleman in the eyes and assertively told him, “I don’t like that word.” He replied, “Well they are fags!” She then said, “My son is gay and I love him very much. That word, ‘fag,’ is dirty, violent, harmful, and I’m not going to let you or anyone insult my son, my family, and the many other LGBT people that we are all connected with. Now, like I said, ‘I don’t like that word.’” The gentleman quickly backed down and apologized many, many times. The class applauded and quickly people started sharing with her about their gay relatives.  I was incredibly proud of my mom and was tearing up when she told me.

Coincidently, the next day I had received a message on YouTube from a man who wanted to share his mother’s experience with his coming out experience. She allegedly speaks out quite a bit on being a mother of a gay son. I watched a YouTube video of her speaking. When her son first came out to her, she insisted on reparative therapy. He never spoke to her again. It was after that she realized that was doing something wrong as a parent: she forgot to love him. Her mission isn’t to teach a position on homosexuality (while I think she may not agree with it though, but that’s just a personal observation), she wants to teach parents to remember that they are called to love their children unconditionally. There was a line from her speech that I loved, “I cannot teach you how to change your children, but I can teach you how to love them!”

Not every parent of a LGBTQ child has to stand up in class to acknowledge that have a gay child. Every mom doesn’t have to be a PFLAG member and march in the Pride parade. Every parent doesn’t have to be “out.” But parents do have a duty as a parent to love their children unconditionally. All too often when children come out their parents, they are not reminded that they are loved. Parents too often focus on “who” their children are attracted to, they care about what the church will the think, they don’t want their little boys wearing dresses, etc. But they need to pause and remember that before saying anything else to their child, they need to remind them that they are loved no matter what.

I’ve been in contact with this young man who is in his coming out process. He just came out to his father. His father responded ignorantly on the subject and doesn’t ever want to hear anything about it ever again. What’s hurting my friend the most is that his father never told him loved him still. My friend said that he doesn’t care if his dad will disagree with his homosexuality, but he wants to know that he will still be loved.

Parents, you have a duty to your children to remind that no matter what you will love them without reservation.

M Butterfly

For those that haven’t seen or read the play, or even seen the movie, I highly recommend you do so. M Butterfly is an absolutely amazing play about love—love that defies convention and really sparks your mind to begin thinking about gender in a whole new way. It is a story of a French man that finds his true love in a Chinese woman, his “butterfly,” but later discovers that his precious “butterfly” is indeed a man posing as woman to spy for the Chinese government.

In my Religion and Film class we just finished watching the movie and had an interesting discussion about the film. We discussed the different elements of love and spent a great deal of time examining the deception that took place in their relationship. The question that we spent the most time discussing though was: Did Rene Gallimard know that Song Liling was really man?

Everyone in the class was in utter shock! This couple had been together for over 20 years and the gender of Song was never discussed. There is a scene where Song is asked, “Did Mr. Gallimard know that you were a man?” The response from Song is deliciously perfect, “I never asked him.”

There was this thought floating around the class that Song deceived Rene and distorted his image of what or who his “butterfly” was. I challenged everyone to ask, “Does it matter?” Rene got everything he wanted out of his relationship with the “ideal Oriental woman.” He was loved, he got a child, he was sexually satisfied, he was happy! So in what way was his “love” distorted? Even after he discovered that Song was a man (although I argued along the lines of Song being gender queer) he was still in love!

The author of the play wrote in his afterword that it is Western mind that gets preoccupied with knowledge. We have a “false knowledge of gender, sexuality, etc.” It is the abuse of knowledge that sets us behind in a quest for equality. I have provided the final scene of the movie that was brilliantly done and shows the intensity of their love they had in their relationship. But I highly encourage everyone to either read or see the movie!

The Great Frontier: The Myth of the "Ex-Gay" Movement

As children (American, at least), we were all acquainted with the great stories of the "Old West," the "Great Frontier." Our thoughts of the "frontier" may bring images to mind of the Indian Wars, John Wayne, caballeros, etc. The idea of the "frontier" was brought to us by both Theodore Roosevelt and Frederick Jackson Turner. Both gentlemen describe the "frontier" as sort of a "land of opportunity." Stories that arose out of these theses were of the great "hero" that would destroy the "savages" (usually Native Americans) to make the "frontier" a safer place for the settlers. Usually there was also forced assimilation into "White culture" but that will be addressed later.

In the twenty-first century I believe that we still fighting on the "frontier." Surely there are many Native American tribes that are losing their reservations and such, but I argue that there are new "frontiers" that are being encroached upon by the assumed "heroes" and there are now new "savages." In the 21st Century Evangelical movement the "new frontier" is the world and the Church. The assumed "heroes" are the powerful leaders within the Church, and I will argue that homosexual and transgender individuals are being interpreted as the "savages."

In this article I will compare and contrast the traditional "frontier" to the "ex-gay" movement of the 21st century. I will argue that the "ex-gay" experiences follows suit with the structure of a classical "hero myth" (myth meaning truth). I will also flip the tables as I introduce new perspectives into the "frontier" and change the roles of the "heroes" and "savages." Finally, I hope to present a resolution to the new "wars" that are taking place on the "frontier."

The myth of the "traditional frontier" is our oldest and most characteristic myth, expressed in a body of literature, folklore, ritual, historiography, and polemics produced over a period of three centuries. The original ideological task of the Myth was to explain and justify the establishment of the American colonies. Conflict was a central and peculiar feature in the process of American development in the colonies. As a result, the "savage war" became a characteristic episode of each phase of westward expansion.

In each stage of its development, the Myth of the Frontier relates the achievement of "progress" to a particular form or scenario of violent action. Therefore, the image of the "savage wars" becomes the symbol of "progress" for American history--regeneration through violence.

The frontier would therefore be considered a violent and dangerous place to be. Settlers response to the frontier is that it is the "country that [kills] our children." The frontier is not a safe place unless we (the White man) make it a safe place. They make it safe by destroying the “enemy,” or the “others.” In the eyes of many Christians and Church leaders, the world can be perceived as a "dangerous place." The world teaches "sinful behaviors" and there are many individuals that are "lost in the world." Their response to the "new frontier" is that we (the Church) need to deliver "redemption" to the world. It has become the Evangelical credo that we must "save the world through Him (Christ)." There are Evangelical leaders that have called the Evangelical movement a "spiritual war between good and evil." Unlike the "savage wars," there isn't the bloodshed and lives being ended in the attempt to "save the world" from sin--at least not since the Crusades. In this battle there is a struggle for the Christians (the presumed heroes) to save the “others” by saving their souls. How is this done? Forcing assimilation. Much like the “Great Americans” did with the Native Americans.

How does this apply with the “ex-gay” movement? Well I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this. I argue that the “others” are the LGBTQ individuals (closeted and out). In the attempt to make the frontier safe, or free of sin, “ex-gay” leaders try to change the lives of LGBTQ individuals. Like the traditional frontier, there is violence in which they try to achieve regeneration on the frontier. Spiritual violence. Through the abuse of Scripture and the misuse of religion “ex-gay” leaders have destroyed the souls and inner well-beings of individuals to a point where they “convert.”


To be continued...Part 2 coming soon!

A New Type of Cultural Immersion

I just recently moved into my apartment at the University of California, Santa Barbara.  My apartments I live in have 4 students assigned to a 2 bedroom apartment.  After I got my roommate assignments, I quickly noticed that I was the only one in the apartment that wasn't heterosexual.

It has been 2 years since I have lived with straight roommate, that experience was very interesting for the both of us (considering he was living with two gay roommates).  It has been 3 years since I've lived with a straight person I don't know, except 3 years ago, I wasn't out of the closet and for some of the time I was oblivious to my same-gender attractions.

But now here I am, I'm out, I've been through so many life experiences since then.  I'm a huge advocate for social justice for LGBT people, and I'm living with 3 heterosexual males.  I have to admit that I was very nervous at first, I still am in fact.  Of what?  That's what I'm not sure about.  I guess that I want my apartment to be a safe place for me and perhaps nervous that by living with 3 straight roommates that's not possible.  Wonderfully, I have no complaints about my roommates though.

I haven't taken it upon myself to come out to them though.  Part of me feels that it might be unnecessary, since most people can just sort of figure that out after 10 minutes of talking with me.  Plus, if they glance at my book collection, or see the rainbow stole I have in my room, they might just get it on their own.  But I also feel it's unnecessary, because I want them to get to know me as just Vincent, as opposed to Vincent the Gay.

As much as I want them to learn more about the LGBTQ community, by experiencing living with a gay student, I feel that in this scenario, I think I will be the one that will be learning more.  I admit that I have had some preconceived notions about heterosexual men.  I know that's not fair at all.  I have many ally friends that are guys.  But naturally, that's what came to my mind first.  The thoughts that they are gonna see me as less than a man, or that they are secretly homophobic, or something to that extent.  By living with these guys, I hope that I learn enough about them and they can learn enough about me, so that I can continue to bridge this gap of awkwardness and resistance between the straight and LGBTQ communities.

I really do need some prayer support though.  It's going to be a journey.

I Have the Only Women's Voice in My Family

At a family barbecue today, I learned why politics are to never be discussed at the dinner table. My father, being a native of Mexico, voiced that he is glad that Hillary Clinton won't receive the candidacy for President of the United States of America. His supporting argument: just because she is a woman. There were no other supporting reasons. Now who I support for the presidency of the United States of America is really irrelevant here, since his only argument is guilty of a fallacy that attacks the character of Clinton (being that she's a woman).

It shocked my father and the women in my family to hear me speak up and say that is unacceptable and wrong to undervalue and discriminate against a person based on their gender. Furthermore, that I personally believe that women are the superior gender (but that was just a personal opinion).

My father reassured me that he was right and that "man-to-man" I just to need see this from a man's point of view. That nearly sent me off the edge. I cordially responded in Spanish, "No Dad, that's the problem. We need to start looking at these issues from a gender neutral perspective, because if we continue to allow patriarchy to dictate our society, we will only be moving backwards. And with respect towards you as my father, please respectfully never talk to me 'man-to-man.'"

I then began to have to rebut misconceptions and really insults that he had about women: women being weak, not as intelligent, too soft, etc. All my responses had support and I sincerely wanted everyone to understand that it is not okay to continue undervaluing women and setting them in a category that makes them "less than."

It got me thinking that patriarchy tends to still dictate many communities, including Latin and Hispanic America. Many of the women in my family still stay at home to care for the children, clean up, and cook for their husbands. I have no objection to women who make the decision to be homemakers, but most of the women in family that do this, do it against their own will. All too often, Latina women are not given a voice. They accept this out this out of tradition and out of fear.

I join along with other Latina and Hispanic women that have began the feminist movement within Latin and Hispanic America. Women like Sor Juana de la Cruz, Gloria Anzaldua, and Ana Nieto Gomez. I leave you with a poem in Spanish by Sor Juana de la Cruz, "Las Redondillas":

Hombres necios que acusáis
a la mujer sin razón,
sin ver que sois la ocasión
de lo mismo que culpáis.

Si con ansia sin igual
solicitáis su desdén,
¿por qué queréis que obren bien
si las incitáis al mal?

Combatís su resistencia
y luego, con gravedad,
decís que fue liviandad
lo que hizo la diligencia.

Parecer quiere el denuedo
de vuestro parecer loco,
al niño que pone el coco
y luego le tiene miedo.

Queréis, con presunción necia,
hallar a la que buscáis
para, pretendida, Tais;
en la posesión, Lucrecia.

¿Qué humor puede ser más raro
que el que, falto de consejo,
él mismo empaña el espejo
y siente que no esté claro?

Con el favor y el desdén
tenéis condición igual:
quejándoos si os tratan mal;
burlándoos, si os quieren bien.

Opinión ninguna gana,
pues la que más se recata,
si no os admite, es ingrata,
y si os admite, es liviana.

Siempre tan necios andáis,
que, con desigual nivel,
a una culpáis por cruel
a otra por fácil culpáis.

¿Pues cómo ha de estar templada
la que vuestro amor pretende,
si la que es ingrata ofende
y la que es fácil enfada?

Mas entre el enfado y la pena
que vuestro gusto refiere,
bien haya la que no os quiere,
y quejaos enhorabuena.

Dan vuestras amantes penas
a sus libertades alas,
y después de hacerlas malas
las queréis hallar muy buenas.

¿Cuál mayor culpa ha tenido
en una pasión errada:
la que cae de rogada
o el que ruega de caído?

¿O cuál es más de culpar
aunque cualquiera mal haga:
la que peca por la paga
o el que paga por pecar?

¿Pues para qué os espantáis
de la culpa que tenéis?
Queredlas cual las hacéis
o hacedlas cual las buscáis.

Dejad de solicitar,
y después, con más razón,
acusaréis de afición
de la que os fuere a rogar.

Bien con muchas armas fundo
que lidia vuestra arrogancia,
pues en promesas e instancia
juntáis diablo, carne y mundo.