Somehow I'll Make a Man Out of You

How many of you have heard that song from the Disney movie Mulan, "I'll Make a Man Out of You?" I feel like that song represents an interesting part of my ex-gay experience. I've been visiting San Diego State University for the past two weeks (my husband is a student here) and they've been having Greek Week, which is a time for students to find out about the fraternities and sororities on campus and then perhaps rush for them. There was one fraternity that really caught my eye, Alpha Gamma Omega, SDSU's only Christ-centered fraternity. So I decided to check out some of the things they do. They do: Worship Night, Wakeboarding, Beach Football, Broomball, and then "Bigger or Better" (I'm not sure what that means exactly).

Their activities they have planned really got me thinking about gender roles and how they could possibly be trying to re-assert their masculinity by these activities. I was taught through my reparative therapy counseling sessions that men engage in these activities not to necessarily "butch" ourselves up, but because sports are a natural way for guys to connect with another.

Because I was told that my father did an inadequate job raising me to be a "man of God," I was assigned to male mentor in the church.

For us guys in the program they partner us up with straight male mentors, particularly men who are a little older, overweight, and balding. Well, the therapeutic theory behind this is that they believe that these guys will serve as less of temptation for us. But I have a little confession to make. I find those guys kinda hot. --Chad, Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House

My male mentor's job was to pretty much be the good Christian example that my father wasn't. We went out to play catch at the lake, we went to go see action flicks at the cinema, and like every good Christian "dad" he took me to a Promise Keepers convention where I was supposed to learn how to become a "man of integrity." From my mentor I was supposed to receive constant reaffirmation for the good things I did that were representative of an authentic "man of God."

However, through my attempts to "reconnect with my masculinity" I ironically began to feel like less of a man through the activities that I was doing. I felt like masculinity was being defined for me. I always knew that I was a feminine guy. I had heard that since I was a small boy and I had learned to accept it. But my male mentor didn't know how to respond to that. He had 2 sons that were older than me and I'm sure he was just doing what he done with his sons when he raised them. Eventually he had starting feeling like he was doing something wrong as a leader, but then changed his mind to the belief that there was just more that was wrong with me.

So as these fraternity brothers play their beach football and tackle one another with no shirts on, I wonder if they do so because they too believe that sports are just the natural way for men to connect with one another.

The Great Frontier: Contributor to Religious Violence

In my Religion and Film class this summer I wrote a paper where I argued that the Frontier Myth is a potent contributor to religious violence in the history of American culture. Below is an excerpt of my paper. I would like to start a discussion on this thought though, please leave comments:

An important aspect to draw from the cinematic representations of the frontier through these films is an understanding of how these themes have played a role in the cultural history of America and why the frontier is such a potent contributor to religious violence. There are several reasons as to why the frontier is so powerful and dangerous even at times. First, there is an understanding that violent confrontations take place over and in different kinds of spaces, whether that is national spaces or even religious spaces. It is generally understood that conflict and violence arises in these spaces because they cannot be divided among rival groups. This is clearly evident in the recent history of the United States through issues battling with minority groups: women, people of color, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals, etc. Since there is a common goal shared by both groups that can only go to one group—limited resources—there is competition, and because of the theory of realistic conflict, the groups will compete with one another, become hostile, and ultimately attempt to eliminate their opponents. Secondly, there is conflict over what actually makes a nation-state. The most crucial factor to that conflict is the ability to control borders. If a nation-state cannot control their borders the legitimacy of the nation-state falls away. Therefore, groups are always battling on the frontiers to convert the space in their space, and by doing so; they add the space to the nation-state. Groups place their hegemony over territories that may not be their own. Maintain the theme of the traditional frontier, this was seen during the Americanization of the Native Americans even in the second-half of the twentieth-century. Converting their lands into major cities and only giving them very poor parts of the lands. Another example of this placing control over “enemy land” was the building of the Arlington National Cemetery which is located on the plantation of Jefferson Davis; creating a monument for your own people in a land of your “other” is a slap in the face. A third reason is that frontiers are places where identity is confused unless you are powerful. Therefore, striving to be the strongest and the most feared as a nation would make others aware and decrease the likelihood of having their space trumped on. Finally, frontiers are also places where the nation-state is most vulnerable and therefore the settlers on the frontier have a very important role to place in the drama and history of the nation-state.

Parents of LGBTQ Children

Parents have been on my mind a lot lately. It all started last week when I was visiting my mom and she was sharing a rather exciting moment with me. A classmate in one of her classes asked her if she had ever seen “Brokeback Mountain.” As she was proudly sharing the romantic plot of the movie one her male colleagues interrupted her to say that movie was about “two cowboys that go camping to become fags.” This was the first time my mom has ever been faced with having to respond to the use of anti-gay epithets. She firmly stood up and looked the gentleman in the eyes and assertively told him, “I don’t like that word.” He replied, “Well they are fags!” She then said, “My son is gay and I love him very much. That word, ‘fag,’ is dirty, violent, harmful, and I’m not going to let you or anyone insult my son, my family, and the many other LGBT people that we are all connected with. Now, like I said, ‘I don’t like that word.’” The gentleman quickly backed down and apologized many, many times. The class applauded and quickly people started sharing with her about their gay relatives.  I was incredibly proud of my mom and was tearing up when she told me.

Coincidently, the next day I had received a message on YouTube from a man who wanted to share his mother’s experience with his coming out experience. She allegedly speaks out quite a bit on being a mother of a gay son. I watched a YouTube video of her speaking. When her son first came out to her, she insisted on reparative therapy. He never spoke to her again. It was after that she realized that was doing something wrong as a parent: she forgot to love him. Her mission isn’t to teach a position on homosexuality (while I think she may not agree with it though, but that’s just a personal observation), she wants to teach parents to remember that they are called to love their children unconditionally. There was a line from her speech that I loved, “I cannot teach you how to change your children, but I can teach you how to love them!”

Not every parent of a LGBTQ child has to stand up in class to acknowledge that have a gay child. Every mom doesn’t have to be a PFLAG member and march in the Pride parade. Every parent doesn’t have to be “out.” But parents do have a duty as a parent to love their children unconditionally. All too often when children come out their parents, they are not reminded that they are loved. Parents too often focus on “who” their children are attracted to, they care about what the church will the think, they don’t want their little boys wearing dresses, etc. But they need to pause and remember that before saying anything else to their child, they need to remind them that they are loved no matter what.

I’ve been in contact with this young man who is in his coming out process. He just came out to his father. His father responded ignorantly on the subject and doesn’t ever want to hear anything about it ever again. What’s hurting my friend the most is that his father never told him loved him still. My friend said that he doesn’t care if his dad will disagree with his homosexuality, but he wants to know that he will still be loved.

Parents, you have a duty to your children to remind that no matter what you will love them without reservation.

M Butterfly

For those that haven’t seen or read the play, or even seen the movie, I highly recommend you do so. M Butterfly is an absolutely amazing play about love—love that defies convention and really sparks your mind to begin thinking about gender in a whole new way. It is a story of a French man that finds his true love in a Chinese woman, his “butterfly,” but later discovers that his precious “butterfly” is indeed a man posing as woman to spy for the Chinese government.

In my Religion and Film class we just finished watching the movie and had an interesting discussion about the film. We discussed the different elements of love and spent a great deal of time examining the deception that took place in their relationship. The question that we spent the most time discussing though was: Did Rene Gallimard know that Song Liling was really man?

Everyone in the class was in utter shock! This couple had been together for over 20 years and the gender of Song was never discussed. There is a scene where Song is asked, “Did Mr. Gallimard know that you were a man?” The response from Song is deliciously perfect, “I never asked him.”

There was this thought floating around the class that Song deceived Rene and distorted his image of what or who his “butterfly” was. I challenged everyone to ask, “Does it matter?” Rene got everything he wanted out of his relationship with the “ideal Oriental woman.” He was loved, he got a child, he was sexually satisfied, he was happy! So in what way was his “love” distorted? Even after he discovered that Song was a man (although I argued along the lines of Song being gender queer) he was still in love!

The author of the play wrote in his afterword that it is Western mind that gets preoccupied with knowledge. We have a “false knowledge of gender, sexuality, etc.” It is the abuse of knowledge that sets us behind in a quest for equality. I have provided the final scene of the movie that was brilliantly done and shows the intensity of their love they had in their relationship. But I highly encourage everyone to either read or see the movie!

The Great Frontier: The Myth of the "Ex-Gay" Movement

As children (American, at least), we were all acquainted with the great stories of the "Old West," the "Great Frontier." Our thoughts of the "frontier" may bring images to mind of the Indian Wars, John Wayne, caballeros, etc. The idea of the "frontier" was brought to us by both Theodore Roosevelt and Frederick Jackson Turner. Both gentlemen describe the "frontier" as sort of a "land of opportunity." Stories that arose out of these theses were of the great "hero" that would destroy the "savages" (usually Native Americans) to make the "frontier" a safer place for the settlers. Usually there was also forced assimilation into "White culture" but that will be addressed later.

In the twenty-first century I believe that we still fighting on the "frontier." Surely there are many Native American tribes that are losing their reservations and such, but I argue that there are new "frontiers" that are being encroached upon by the assumed "heroes" and there are now new "savages." In the 21st Century Evangelical movement the "new frontier" is the world and the Church. The assumed "heroes" are the powerful leaders within the Church, and I will argue that homosexual and transgender individuals are being interpreted as the "savages."

In this article I will compare and contrast the traditional "frontier" to the "ex-gay" movement of the 21st century. I will argue that the "ex-gay" experiences follows suit with the structure of a classical "hero myth" (myth meaning truth). I will also flip the tables as I introduce new perspectives into the "frontier" and change the roles of the "heroes" and "savages." Finally, I hope to present a resolution to the new "wars" that are taking place on the "frontier."

The myth of the "traditional frontier" is our oldest and most characteristic myth, expressed in a body of literature, folklore, ritual, historiography, and polemics produced over a period of three centuries. The original ideological task of the Myth was to explain and justify the establishment of the American colonies. Conflict was a central and peculiar feature in the process of American development in the colonies. As a result, the "savage war" became a characteristic episode of each phase of westward expansion.

In each stage of its development, the Myth of the Frontier relates the achievement of "progress" to a particular form or scenario of violent action. Therefore, the image of the "savage wars" becomes the symbol of "progress" for American history--regeneration through violence.

The frontier would therefore be considered a violent and dangerous place to be. Settlers response to the frontier is that it is the "country that [kills] our children." The frontier is not a safe place unless we (the White man) make it a safe place. They make it safe by destroying the “enemy,” or the “others.” In the eyes of many Christians and Church leaders, the world can be perceived as a "dangerous place." The world teaches "sinful behaviors" and there are many individuals that are "lost in the world." Their response to the "new frontier" is that we (the Church) need to deliver "redemption" to the world. It has become the Evangelical credo that we must "save the world through Him (Christ)." There are Evangelical leaders that have called the Evangelical movement a "spiritual war between good and evil." Unlike the "savage wars," there isn't the bloodshed and lives being ended in the attempt to "save the world" from sin--at least not since the Crusades. In this battle there is a struggle for the Christians (the presumed heroes) to save the “others” by saving their souls. How is this done? Forcing assimilation. Much like the “Great Americans” did with the Native Americans.

How does this apply with the “ex-gay” movement? Well I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this. I argue that the “others” are the LGBTQ individuals (closeted and out). In the attempt to make the frontier safe, or free of sin, “ex-gay” leaders try to change the lives of LGBTQ individuals. Like the traditional frontier, there is violence in which they try to achieve regeneration on the frontier. Spiritual violence. Through the abuse of Scripture and the misuse of religion “ex-gay” leaders have destroyed the souls and inner well-beings of individuals to a point where they “convert.”


To be continued...Part 2 coming soon!