My Reasons for Going Ex-Gay

As I am keeping up with blogs and posts about Bryce Faulkner and how his parents coerced him into an ex-gay program, I am beginning to reflect back on the reasons I had when I chose to enter into reparative therapy.

I am certainly around the same age as Bryce, except I in no way think that our stories are the same. But I do understand the pressures of being a dependent college student and being faced with difficult decisions.

I came to recognize my same-sex attractions during my first year of college at Azusa Pacific University. It was very confusing, and at times frightening, to recognize my same-sex attractions will being a student at Christian university. I remember having a lot of fear. Fear of being "figured out" and then kicked out of school for being gay. Fear of my parents finding out and disowning me. Fear that I would some how end up with AIDS, die, and be eternally damned to hell.

I made the decision myself to go through reparative therapy because I thought it was the best choice to make at that time; yet it was a choice nonetheless. I also made the choice to not tell my parents that I was receiving "help" for my sexual orientation. My choice lead me down a path of even more confusion, spiritual abuse, and shame. My choice to get"help" did me more harm than good.

Several years later, I am "out" and live my life as an openly gay person. But I am still asked all the time, "Why would you choose to go ex-gay?" Back then, my answer would have been something like, "Well, because I'm a Christian." Soon after that answer became, "I believed that it was sinful." After spending a lot of time processing my life experiences I have come to realize that that answer is a really "bad" answer; I might even go as far to say that it's the "wrong" answer.

Peterson Toscano wrote a blog last year titled, "The MANY reasons I went Ex-Gay." After reading his blog I began to start listing why I truly let myself make the choice to go through reparative therapy:

- I thought I would be kicked out school.
- I feared that my parents would disown me and cut me off from the rest of the family.
- Negative portrayals of LGBT people in the media and in the church.
- Fear of getting AIDS and other STDs I would get if I came out as gay.
- Wanted to get married and have a family.
- Fear of becoming promiscuous, yet lonely.
- Fear of physical violence against LGBT people.

Choices come with consequences. I've faced the consequences of making both decisions: to be ex-gay and to be ex-ex-gay. Both were not easy decisions to make. Ultimately though, I realized that my decision to go ex-gay was not because I thought it was sinful to be gay. Instead it was because of fear of the outcomes that would arise had I not chosen to do something about it. Alas, several years later I have come to realize the outcomes.

My heart does go out to Bryce and those supporting him. His decision to listen to his parents clearly was not an easy one, but a choice he did in theory make. It is unfortunate the levels of manipulation people will use to control and affect the lives of people.

Young man forced into ex-gay program

By now, many have begun to hear the story of Bryce Faulker, a college-aged young adult that was forced into an ex-gay program by his parents.

Since there is already a lot of coverage of this story, I am reposting from other blogs that have already begun discussions around this topic.

According to Waymon Hudson over at the Bilerico Project,

The request to join a new group came through my Facebook page. The group was called “Friends of Bryce“, which could have been anything, but had a note attached that said “Please Help.”

When I clicked over to the group, an all too familiar tale unfolded. Bryce Faulkner, a young gay man from Arkansas, had gone missing after his parents had discovered he was gay. They had gotten into their college-aged son’s email account and discovered messages between Bryce and his boyfriend.

The parents then gave Bryce an ultimatum- enter an extensive and severe “therapy” program or lose all their support for college and living expenses. For a young man from a conservative small town whose entire life, including his job, was tied to his parents, who had nowhere to go and no one to turn to, there really was no choice.

Bryce was sent to 14 week long conversion therapy camp and has not been heard from again.

Peterson Toscano wrote a blog post soon after that compares and contrasts Bryce's story with the similar story of Zach Stark, the young man that was forced into the Love In Action program when he was 16 years old. Zach's story caught national attention and will be shared in the upcoming documentary, "This Is What Love in Action Looks Like."

Peterson hit hard on something that I think is very important

In these cases of ex-gay coercion once someone is no longer a minor, they no longer become pure victims. Although it is difficult and terrifying to resist, if someone is over 18, they can legally say “NO! you cannot make me do this!” and as an adult, they can then live with the consequences. I understand that the financial impact of this can be huge, but not impossible to overcome, especially with the assistance of a boyfriend’s affirming parents and a community committed to taking care of each other (which I know doesn’t always happen.)

I encourage everyone to read Peterson's post, because I think he raises some great points regarding the decisions parents make and the decisions we make regarding the well-being of our lives.

"The Right to Serve" v. "The Right to Marry"

Last night was the film screening of ASK NOT in West Hollywood.  After the film, there was a panel discussion that followed (I was a guest on the panel).  First, the film was absolutely amazing!!  It really shed light on the issues attached to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy and the ways that the policy affects real people.  The questions we got asked on the panel were some very great questions; they were actually rather challenging questions, but that's good though, because this is a challenging issue.

There was one question that was asked that stuck with me the rest of the night and it's still in my head.  The question was something like, "Given that the LGBTQ community is more liberal, they tend to be anti-war and thus, anti-military, do you think that LGBTQ persons don't care as much about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" as they should?  Additionally, given the recent rulings of Prop 8, do you think that the movement for the right to marry has overshadowed the movement for the right to serve?"  (This was not the exact wording, but the gist of what was asked).

This was such a great question!!  I can't even count the number of times I have heard gay and lesbian people say, "At least I'll never be drafted, because I'm gay!"  Responses like that make me upset, because they are accepting policies that discriminate against them.  I wanted to share my response to this question through my blog, because I believe it's important for us as a community of LGBTQ people and allies to understand this.

A person's personal feelings about war, militaries, etc., are irrelevant when it comes to legality of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."  The larger issue here is discrimination.  While, the issue of marriage seems to be more of a current event, I don't think it has entirely overshadowed the right to serve movement; because at the heart of both issues is the need to end discrimination.  Regardless of how someone feels about certain topics, everyone should have access to marriage and the opportunity to serve in the armed forces (if they so choose) without being discriminated against on the basis of their sexual orientation.  Plain and simple.

For more information about research being done on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," please check out the website for the Palm Center at the University of California Santa Barbara (http://www.palmcenter.org)

My Great-Grandmother's Affirmation

Coming out is a difficult thing to do sometimes.  I remember dreading telling my parents, family, and friends, because I didn't know what to expect out of their responses and reactions.  My family was particularly difficult.  For some reason, the idea of being Latino and gay, just doesn't seem to go together in most Latin American families.

My dad was (and still is) very blinded by masculinist notions.  He grew up in a very patriarchal family and maintained a lot of those ideologies in his own personality and way of thinking.  He was definitely the last person I wanted to ever come out to.   My mom on the other hand, grew up in a very matriarchal family, but that didn't make things easier for coming out, my mom's family was also very Catholic and very believing that homosexuality was sinful.

There was one family member that I did confide in during the end of my ex-gay life and the beginnings of my coming out.  It was my great-grandmother (maternal).  My great-grandmother was born in Chihuahua, Mexico and was a very devout Catholic. She also lived for a very long, long time.  The summer I ended my ex-gay treatment and came out, was the summer that my great-grandmother passed away, but it was also the summer I came out to her.

I was very close to my great-grandmother and she was (and still is) my hero, because if there was anything she understood, it was unconditional love.

My great-grandmother was at convalescent hospital that entire summer; she was placed there after suffering from a major stroke.  I would visit her quite often, just to talk to her and to keep her company.  I started to share with her the things I was going through.  She would never respond vocally, be she would look at me and smile or squeeze my hand.

During her last few days, I decided that I was going to finally come out and say the words, "Abuelita, soy gay" (Grandmother, I'm gay).  I got a call from my parents one night telling me to get to the hospital, because her nurses said that it wouldn't be long before she would be passing on.  So I rush to the hospital and arrived there before anyone else.  As I held her hand and prayed with her, I finally spoke those three words to her.  With her last bit of strength she looked into my eyes, smiled, and pulled my hand towards her mouth to kiss it.

That moment for me was so important in my coming out process.  It was the affirmation that I needed to know that I was doing the right thing by getting out of reparative therapy.  It was the affirmation I needed to go on and to seek my own answers to what the Bible says and doesn't say about homosexuality.  It was the affirmation I needed that would give me strength and courage to tell my friends and family.

Next month will mark three years since my great-grandmother passed away, and three years since I stopped trying to suppress my God-given queer identity.

Gay ≠ Christian?

It's one thing that a lot of anti-gay Christians seem to think that I cannot be gay and be a Christian.  But lately I've gotten a lot of resistance from the gay community!  It really feels like reverse discrimination.  Here are the responses and questions I get on a regular basis:

"Why are you a religious studies major?  But you're gay...."

"Why would you go to church, you're gay?"

"You want to be a pastor?  You're gay though..."

It's so disheartening that I meet so many gay and lesbian people that tell me I can't be gay and be a Christian.  The irony is that they are saying the EXACT same thing that anti-gay Christians are saying, that there is no such thing as gay Christians.  So what is makes them any different from one another?  Both groups are sending a negative message.  Both groups are not helping closeted, questioning, and confused people that are trying to understand their identity within the context of their faith.

But what does this mean for us gay Christians?  We are forced into this third category, like we're special cases or something.  A binary system has been set up between being gay and being a Christian.  That is not inclusion.

You can be gay and be a Christian.  If you don't think so then you clearly don't understand the definition of being a Christian or being gay.  Neither one cancels the other out.  So lets stop this exclusion, because all it does is confuse those people that are trying to reconcile their faith and their sexuality, and they can't because there are uneducated people relaying false information that causes harm and confusion.