With finals beginning next week, I have had little time to get online to do anything that wasn't homework or study related. I need a break from the books though, so I am here to share something that has really been on my mind.
I think it has finally hit me how feminine I am. Like I'm really "fag-ish" by stereotypical definition. I think it is more so my voice that really shows my feminine side. I've known since, well since most of life, that I have a high-pitched feminine sounding voice. Throughout high school I would intentionally deepen my voice so that I wouldn't be called gay (it didn't work though). But I have been told by vocal trainers for singing that I don't speak correctly (in terms of technique).
Recently I've been making phone calls for various reasons and I am often called, "Ma'am" or asked if I'm my wife (Vince Cervantes' wife). In high school, I would take deep offense to that and I would correct them with the right title, but then there was just that awkward apology from the other party.
I'm not really bothered by being called, "Ma'am" anymore, in fact, I chuckle and just go with it. But what I really started thinking about is why it used to bother me so much that I would have "fem" moments. Why did it bother me when some would say that my "man points" were declining? Or even why I would get offended when people said I was effeminate?
I used to believe the misconception that gender expression was often associated with sexual orientation. So since I wasn't butch, then people would see that I was gay. I obviously didn't want them to think that because at the time I was still convinced that homosexuality was sinful. So I did my best to make myself as non-fem as possible. I played sports (although I did enjoy swimming) and I would deepen voice as much as sounded natural (which was hard for a first tenor singer).
While I going through conversion therapy we examined the fact that I was not masculine. I was told that I need to understand the masculinity of the holy spirit; therefore, I need to surround myself with strong men of God. However, I was matched up with older married men from the Men's Ministry group--I guess so that I wouldn't develop attractions for the guys my age. What I learned about masculinity from them though was how to subjugate women. Apparently making women inferior validates a man's masculinity.
As I am beginning to study gender more and more I am fascinated by what society has made of gender and what religion has made of gender. Why is my gender expression so often connected with my sexual orientation? Why can't we seem to believe a "feminine" acting man when he says he's straight? Recently I've began to call myself gender queer. I am hesitant at times to identify as gender queer because I am not fully sure what that means for me. But so far, I feel that because I cannot fit into the mold society has created for what it is masculine, then I don't want to conform to make myself pass. I call myself a man because I am one. But I am through with letting society try to define that for me. I'm masculine in my own ways!
In the words of Angel from Rent: "I'm more of man than you'll ever be and more of woman than you'll ever get!"
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