Scripture, Spirituality, and Sexuality

I presented a lecture titled, "Scripture, Spirituality, and Sexuality" at the University of California,  Riverside on Thursday, November 12, 2009. My objective was to bring clarity to both Christian and LGBTQ persons on how we are able to reconcile our religious identities with our sexual orientations. My presentation brings light to Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. The slides from my lecture are available for download, click here.

Black Masculinity and Higher Education

Morehouse College, an all-male historically Black college in Atlanta, Georgia has decided to enforce a dress code policy. The new dress code prohibits women's clothing, makeup, high heels, purses etc. Additionally the new policy does not allow students to wear pajamas in public, sagging pants, and do-rags.

The new policy has created mixed reviews among students and outsiders. The message of "the image of masculinity" is very present in the statements from people supporting the new policy. CNN covered the story with an article and a video.

This policy change and the message of "masculinity" that is being discussed here is actually heavily related to the research I'm doing right now for my thesis.

One way that Black masculinity is performed is by control of the body (style of dress) and the rejection of anything that could possibly portray them as passive and weak. Thus their decision to ban "cross-dressing" is in response to insecurities they have in their image.

The ban on "pajamas in public, do-rags, sagging pants, sunglasses in class and walking barefoot on campus" follows the idea of transcending and rejecting the stereotypical tropes of "Blackness." In the video they even say that these items give their community a negative image, so they default back to the images of leading Black men in history, like Martin Luther King Jr. and Maynard Jackson, who wore shirts and ties. These men presented themselves in suits to solicit respect. It was in response to White masculinity.

It is interesting that this rhetoric is still very prevalent, but disappointing that it's become part of the educational system.

Post-Thoughts on Tyra's Gay Exorcism Show

First and foremost, if you did not get a chance to see the segment, here is a link where you can see the whole episode (Click here).

I mentioned in an earlier post that there things I wanted to share in response, but was waiting for the show to air before doing so. After watching the show, I was very pleased with the editing and what made it to the air. I want to say upfront that Kamora was absolutely dynamite!! She hit on so many great points and you will need to see the show to know what I mean.

I do want to address "the prophet" though and her thoughts on her being a "prophet." First, a prophet is a person that speak truth, and the truth is, God's word says that we are all "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139); therefore, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer children are loved and affirmed unconditionally by God. And second, as spiritual leaders I believe that "the prophet" and "the overseer" have taken on the roles of being abusers; they have abused their status as church leaders and have committed acts of spiritual violence. I use the term "spiritual violence" because they are causing more harm than good to the souls and hearts of LGBT individuals that come into their church.

To Jeffrey: You are loved by God and you have a place in the kin-dom of God as a beautiful gay man that was fearfully and wonderfully made to be just who you are!!

My Reasons for Going Ex-Gay

As I am keeping up with blogs and posts about Bryce Faulkner and how his parents coerced him into an ex-gay program, I am beginning to reflect back on the reasons I had when I chose to enter into reparative therapy.

I am certainly around the same age as Bryce, except I in no way think that our stories are the same. But I do understand the pressures of being a dependent college student and being faced with difficult decisions.

I came to recognize my same-sex attractions during my first year of college at Azusa Pacific University. It was very confusing, and at times frightening, to recognize my same-sex attractions will being a student at Christian university. I remember having a lot of fear. Fear of being "figured out" and then kicked out of school for being gay. Fear of my parents finding out and disowning me. Fear that I would some how end up with AIDS, die, and be eternally damned to hell.

I made the decision myself to go through reparative therapy because I thought it was the best choice to make at that time; yet it was a choice nonetheless. I also made the choice to not tell my parents that I was receiving "help" for my sexual orientation. My choice lead me down a path of even more confusion, spiritual abuse, and shame. My choice to get"help" did me more harm than good.

Several years later, I am "out" and live my life as an openly gay person. But I am still asked all the time, "Why would you choose to go ex-gay?" Back then, my answer would have been something like, "Well, because I'm a Christian." Soon after that answer became, "I believed that it was sinful." After spending a lot of time processing my life experiences I have come to realize that that answer is a really "bad" answer; I might even go as far to say that it's the "wrong" answer.

Peterson Toscano wrote a blog last year titled, "The MANY reasons I went Ex-Gay." After reading his blog I began to start listing why I truly let myself make the choice to go through reparative therapy:

- I thought I would be kicked out school.
- I feared that my parents would disown me and cut me off from the rest of the family.
- Negative portrayals of LGBT people in the media and in the church.
- Fear of getting AIDS and other STDs I would get if I came out as gay.
- Wanted to get married and have a family.
- Fear of becoming promiscuous, yet lonely.
- Fear of physical violence against LGBT people.

Choices come with consequences. I've faced the consequences of making both decisions: to be ex-gay and to be ex-ex-gay. Both were not easy decisions to make. Ultimately though, I realized that my decision to go ex-gay was not because I thought it was sinful to be gay. Instead it was because of fear of the outcomes that would arise had I not chosen to do something about it. Alas, several years later I have come to realize the outcomes.

My heart does go out to Bryce and those supporting him. His decision to listen to his parents clearly was not an easy one, but a choice he did in theory make. It is unfortunate the levels of manipulation people will use to control and affect the lives of people.

Young man forced into ex-gay program

By now, many have begun to hear the story of Bryce Faulker, a college-aged young adult that was forced into an ex-gay program by his parents.

Since there is already a lot of coverage of this story, I am reposting from other blogs that have already begun discussions around this topic.

According to Waymon Hudson over at the Bilerico Project,

The request to join a new group came through my Facebook page. The group was called “Friends of Bryce“, which could have been anything, but had a note attached that said “Please Help.”

When I clicked over to the group, an all too familiar tale unfolded. Bryce Faulkner, a young gay man from Arkansas, had gone missing after his parents had discovered he was gay. They had gotten into their college-aged son’s email account and discovered messages between Bryce and his boyfriend.

The parents then gave Bryce an ultimatum- enter an extensive and severe “therapy” program or lose all their support for college and living expenses. For a young man from a conservative small town whose entire life, including his job, was tied to his parents, who had nowhere to go and no one to turn to, there really was no choice.

Bryce was sent to 14 week long conversion therapy camp and has not been heard from again.

Peterson Toscano wrote a blog post soon after that compares and contrasts Bryce's story with the similar story of Zach Stark, the young man that was forced into the Love In Action program when he was 16 years old. Zach's story caught national attention and will be shared in the upcoming documentary, "This Is What Love in Action Looks Like."

Peterson hit hard on something that I think is very important

In these cases of ex-gay coercion once someone is no longer a minor, they no longer become pure victims. Although it is difficult and terrifying to resist, if someone is over 18, they can legally say “NO! you cannot make me do this!” and as an adult, they can then live with the consequences. I understand that the financial impact of this can be huge, but not impossible to overcome, especially with the assistance of a boyfriend’s affirming parents and a community committed to taking care of each other (which I know doesn’t always happen.)

I encourage everyone to read Peterson's post, because I think he raises some great points regarding the decisions parents make and the decisions we make regarding the well-being of our lives.

"The Right to Serve" v. "The Right to Marry"

Last night was the film screening of ASK NOT in West Hollywood.  After the film, there was a panel discussion that followed (I was a guest on the panel).  First, the film was absolutely amazing!!  It really shed light on the issues attached to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy and the ways that the policy affects real people.  The questions we got asked on the panel were some very great questions; they were actually rather challenging questions, but that's good though, because this is a challenging issue.

There was one question that was asked that stuck with me the rest of the night and it's still in my head.  The question was something like, "Given that the LGBTQ community is more liberal, they tend to be anti-war and thus, anti-military, do you think that LGBTQ persons don't care as much about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" as they should?  Additionally, given the recent rulings of Prop 8, do you think that the movement for the right to marry has overshadowed the movement for the right to serve?"  (This was not the exact wording, but the gist of what was asked).

This was such a great question!!  I can't even count the number of times I have heard gay and lesbian people say, "At least I'll never be drafted, because I'm gay!"  Responses like that make me upset, because they are accepting policies that discriminate against them.  I wanted to share my response to this question through my blog, because I believe it's important for us as a community of LGBTQ people and allies to understand this.

A person's personal feelings about war, militaries, etc., are irrelevant when it comes to legality of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."  The larger issue here is discrimination.  While, the issue of marriage seems to be more of a current event, I don't think it has entirely overshadowed the right to serve movement; because at the heart of both issues is the need to end discrimination.  Regardless of how someone feels about certain topics, everyone should have access to marriage and the opportunity to serve in the armed forces (if they so choose) without being discriminated against on the basis of their sexual orientation.  Plain and simple.

For more information about research being done on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," please check out the website for the Palm Center at the University of California Santa Barbara (http://www.palmcenter.org)

My Great-Grandmother's Affirmation

Coming out is a difficult thing to do sometimes.  I remember dreading telling my parents, family, and friends, because I didn't know what to expect out of their responses and reactions.  My family was particularly difficult.  For some reason, the idea of being Latino and gay, just doesn't seem to go together in most Latin American families.

My dad was (and still is) very blinded by masculinist notions.  He grew up in a very patriarchal family and maintained a lot of those ideologies in his own personality and way of thinking.  He was definitely the last person I wanted to ever come out to.   My mom on the other hand, grew up in a very matriarchal family, but that didn't make things easier for coming out, my mom's family was also very Catholic and very believing that homosexuality was sinful.

There was one family member that I did confide in during the end of my ex-gay life and the beginnings of my coming out.  It was my great-grandmother (maternal).  My great-grandmother was born in Chihuahua, Mexico and was a very devout Catholic. She also lived for a very long, long time.  The summer I ended my ex-gay treatment and came out, was the summer that my great-grandmother passed away, but it was also the summer I came out to her.

I was very close to my great-grandmother and she was (and still is) my hero, because if there was anything she understood, it was unconditional love.

My great-grandmother was at convalescent hospital that entire summer; she was placed there after suffering from a major stroke.  I would visit her quite often, just to talk to her and to keep her company.  I started to share with her the things I was going through.  She would never respond vocally, be she would look at me and smile or squeeze my hand.

During her last few days, I decided that I was going to finally come out and say the words, "Abuelita, soy gay" (Grandmother, I'm gay).  I got a call from my parents one night telling me to get to the hospital, because her nurses said that it wouldn't be long before she would be passing on.  So I rush to the hospital and arrived there before anyone else.  As I held her hand and prayed with her, I finally spoke those three words to her.  With her last bit of strength she looked into my eyes, smiled, and pulled my hand towards her mouth to kiss it.

That moment for me was so important in my coming out process.  It was the affirmation that I needed to know that I was doing the right thing by getting out of reparative therapy.  It was the affirmation I needed to go on and to seek my own answers to what the Bible says and doesn't say about homosexuality.  It was the affirmation I needed that would give me strength and courage to tell my friends and family.

Next month will mark three years since my great-grandmother passed away, and three years since I stopped trying to suppress my God-given queer identity.

Gay ≠ Christian?

It's one thing that a lot of anti-gay Christians seem to think that I cannot be gay and be a Christian.  But lately I've gotten a lot of resistance from the gay community!  It really feels like reverse discrimination.  Here are the responses and questions I get on a regular basis:

"Why are you a religious studies major?  But you're gay...."

"Why would you go to church, you're gay?"

"You want to be a pastor?  You're gay though..."

It's so disheartening that I meet so many gay and lesbian people that tell me I can't be gay and be a Christian.  The irony is that they are saying the EXACT same thing that anti-gay Christians are saying, that there is no such thing as gay Christians.  So what is makes them any different from one another?  Both groups are sending a negative message.  Both groups are not helping closeted, questioning, and confused people that are trying to understand their identity within the context of their faith.

But what does this mean for us gay Christians?  We are forced into this third category, like we're special cases or something.  A binary system has been set up between being gay and being a Christian.  That is not inclusion.

You can be gay and be a Christian.  If you don't think so then you clearly don't understand the definition of being a Christian or being gay.  Neither one cancels the other out.  So lets stop this exclusion, because all it does is confuse those people that are trying to reconcile their faith and their sexuality, and they can't because there are uneducated people relaying false information that causes harm and confusion.

Leviticus: Holiness Code

I have wanted to avoid discussing the Leviticus passage, only because I find it to be an outdated argument (along with Sodom and Gomorrah) that you only see on the signs of the Westboro Baptist Church, but recently, it's been appearing in emails and messages to me more frequently than has in the past.  I received a video response on YouTube to my "Bible and Marriage" video that decided to focus entirely on Leviticus 18 (click here to watch the response), so I decided that I would finally write on Leviticus and share what my own thoughts and perceptions are of the text.

Let's start with a background of Leviticus and the Torah:  sorta of a historical, local, and cultural contextual analysis.

• Covenant with Abraham:  There were 3 parts (Genesis 15:5, 18; 17:11)

* Progeny, promised land, circumcision as symbol

• Genealogy:  Abraham - Isaac - Jacob (Israel)

• Captivity, liberation and exodus - 10 weeks to Mount Sinai, where they commit idolatry

• The Israelites were made to wander for 40 years post-exodus
  

* formation of spiritual identity

* desert culture, importance of reproduction

* Carthaginian culture (Phoenicia and Canaan)

- Amorites, Hittites, Jebusites, Girgashites, Perizzites, Amalckites

* Distinguish: Moabites and Ammonites

• Composition of Leviticus

* Priestly Code: 1-16, 27 (ritual/ceremonial purity)

- 1-7, sacrificial regulations

- 8-10, consecration, practical application

- 11-16, purity laws

- 27, commutation of vows

* Holiness Code (Leviticus 19:2):  17-26 (miscellany of laws)

- idolatry, sexual conduct, celebration rites

- information about familiars, strangers, promises, penalties

Now, I know these are just some very basic notes about the background, but really, there is so much information out there about the Torah and the background of the Google culture that I don't really need to go too much into depth about, only because it's all only a search away. Basically though, the Israelites has been slaves in Egypt; they had wandered in the desert for a long long time.  They needed cohesiveness, cleanliness, and order in every aspect of their lives.  they needed a establish a social contract that would give them their own identity; they needed a code for living.  In response, they developed a Holiness Code to define their religious, civic, and cultural identity.

The Holiness Code's purpose was to help this community achieve the "holy purity" that they were seeking.  So how would they try to achieve this holy purity?

1.  Israel's worship practices had to be different from their neighbors.
   
2. There could not be an mixing of any kind with other groups, because they were to maintain and preserve the purity of their community.
3. Male gender superiority had to be maintained

Number 3 is what is going to bring us to the infamous, "Thou shall not lay with mankind as with womankind it is an abomination" verse found in Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13.  But lets focus on why this was an issue.  Why condemn men that were having sex with other men?  Well, first of all, engaging in homosexual acts was punishable by death, because that would mean that man was assuming a "passive' role and was being penetrated, which was a role that was only to be assigned to women.  This was a culture that valued machismo ideologies and subjugated women because they were viewed as "less than."  Thus, the issue with men having sex with men was really a result of their oppression towards women.

But what about this word "abomination" that appears in the text?  The Hebrew word toevah, that is being used for "abomination," actually refers to something that is ritually impure, such as pork or having sex with a woman while she is menstruating.  So, "abomination" is synonymous with unclean.

There are other ways of addressing these texts.  One could even bring up the issue and contrasts of the old and new covenants.  But this is a could jumping board for addressing Leviticus.  There are many great resources out there if you want to read more on Leviticus.  I personally recommend, "Jesus, the Bible, and Homosexuality" by Jack Rogers, which has received excellent reviews for his scholarship.  I welcome conversation on this text.  I know I gave a very basic opinion and that was intentional, only because there are other resources out there for those that are more interested in this part of the Bible.

District of Columbia will recognize same-sex marriages

On the same day that Vermont rose to the bar of marriage equality, the District Columbia also made the decision today to that will introduce legislation that will recognize same-sex marriages from other states.  It is still a very great day!

CNN reports:

Washington City Council voted 12-0 Tuesday in favor of allowing same-sex marriages performed in other states to be recognized in the nation's capital.

Congress may vote on whether Washington will allow same-sex marriages to be accepted in the nation's capital.

But nothing is set in stone yet.

The Washington council is expected to hold a final vote on May 5. The bill would then go to Mayor Adrian Fenty, a Democrat who supports gay marriage but told WTOP.com Tuesday that he has yet to review the legislation.

If approved, the measure would then encounter its biggest potential hurdle: It would be sent to Congress for a legislative review and vote, setting up what would amount to a straight up-or-down vote on same-sex marriage.

Because Washington is not a state, its legislation must pass congressional muster. Some measures approved by overwhelmingly Democratic Washington voters, including a restrictive gun law and a proposal decriminalizing medical marijuana use, have been vetoed by Congress in recent years.

"This is a right that should be enjoyed by all of our citizens," Council Member Jack Evans, a Democrat, said in an interview with WTOP. "Today is another major step toward the ultimate goal of all of us living in a city and a country where everyone is treated equally."

Vermont passes gay marriage bill

Today (April 7, 2009), Vermont became the fourth state to allow same-sex marriage (well technically fifth, if you count California).  The governor initially vetoed the bill, but state legislatures overrode the veto and now Vermont joins the ranks of states that recognize marriage equality.  It is a beautiful day for celebration!

Reuters reports:

The Vermont House of Representatives passed the bill by a 100-49 vote after it cleared the state Senate 23-5 earlier in the day. In Vermont, a bill needs two-thirds support in each chamber to override a veto.

Vermont's vote comes just four days after Iowa's Supreme Court struck down a decade-old law that barred gays from marrying to make that state the first in the U.S. heartland to allow same-sex marriages.

Vermont's gay marriage legislation looked in peril after a vote Thursday in the Democrat-controlled House of Representatives that failed to garner enough support clear a veto threat from Republican Governor Jim Douglas.

California briefly recognized gay marriage until voters banned it in a referendum last year.

Vermont, which became the first state in the country to allow full civil unions for same-sex couples in 2000, joins New England neighbors Connecticut and Massachusetts in allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry.

Maine and New Hampshire are also considering gay marriage bills.  Now if only the California Supreme Court Judges could get on board!!

Gays Killed in Baghdad

In most parts of the Middle East, homosexuality is prohibited, and in Iraq the amount of violence against gays and lesbians has reached new heights after the US-invasion.  Two young men were killed this past Thursday in Baghdad and after police found four more bodies.

Reuters reports:

'They were sexual deviants. Their tribes killed them to restore their family honor,' a Sadr City official who declined to be named said.

The police source who declined to be named said the bodies of four gay men were unearthed in Sadr City on March 25, each bearing a sign reading 'pervert' in Arabic on their chests. 

Sermons condemning homosexuality were read at the last two Friday prayer gatherings in Sadr City, a sprawling Baghdad slum of some 2 million people. The slum is a bastion of support for fiery Shi'ite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr and his Mehdi Army militia.

[...]

Many young men who might have cut their hair short and grown beards when religious gangs controlled much of Iraq now dress in a more Western style as government forces take back control.

Some are now accused of being gay, and residents of Sadr City say at least one coffee shop has become a gay hangout. 

A member of the slum's Sadrist office said the Mehdi Army was not involved in the killings, but said homosexuality was now more widespread since the Mehdi Army lost control of the slum.

Last night I was talking with my partner about a gay bar that we have here in Riverside that is set in between two non-gay bars.  Apparently someone was shot while coming out of the gay bar a few years back.  It is still shocking to me that people are still violently abused and even murdered just because of the sexual orientation.  I personally don't feel safe coming out of that particular bar at night time because I don't know if someone is going to be extremely drunk from one of the neighboring bars and might decide to address the fact that they don't like homosexuals.

A couple days ago I went for a walk by myself (during the day) just to get some fresh air and to take a study break, and I saw these very large men get out of a car, but I thought nothing of them really.  Next thing I heard was, "Look at that gay ass faggot!"  I turned around.  They were pointing and laughing at me.  In most cases I usually say something when I hear people using anti-gay epithets or using "gay" as a synonym for stupid, etc.  But this time I was speechless.  I had nothing to say.  I was the one being targeted and attacked here.  Besides, even I wanted to say something, it was the two of them and just me, it was definitely not the safest thing for me to do.  But I took time to pause and to make eye contact with them, so they could look into the eyes of the person they were dehumanizing.  And I continued my walk, feeling empty, feeling broken, and feeling like my entire identity was reduced down to just one word, "faggot."

I know being called "faggot" does not compare to being shot for being gay, but words can lead to actions.  Homophobia can start with calling someone "faggot" and then lead to physically violent attacks, it does happen in our country, and it certainly happens in California (it's not as liberal as some would think it is).  But what do we do to end homophobia?  What do we do to end people getting shot for being themselves?  What do we do to make this world a safe home for all people?

(Hat tip to Towleroad for the news story)

F*cking the Binary

Everyone, say hello to Carmen!  For those of you that don't know, I recently made my drag debut at the University of California, Riverside's Annual Dragalicious Drag Ball.  It was certainly a lot of fun and my wig even fell off, so yea, great times!  I was asked some questions by our student newspaper about the event and one question stood with me after I answered:  What is the purpose of tonight?

When I got home someone had sent me a message on Facebook asking what is the purpose of drag, since he was under the impression that it meant that I was trying to fulfill my desire to be a girl because I must feel like I'm really a girl inside (so basically asking if I was transitioning).  My answer to him was my answer to the student newspaper:  The purpose of drag is first and foremost to have fun!  But also, to deconstruct the gender binary structure that society has locked all of us into.  Or as one of my friends said, "To f*ck the gender binary!" Drag allows people to play with gender and rip up the binary table!  One of our drag king performers actually did a great performance of that actually!  Click here to watch that.

I offer a workshop/presentation called, (trans) it, that focuses on transgender and gender diversity where I discuss the gender spectrum and how there is a brick wall that separates masculine from feminine.  The wall exists because society has lead us to believe that we always have to know which is which.  In the beginning of the presentation I share a YouTube video from Chris Crocker.  I share it with you now:

"The Conservative Voice " of APU Responds to Prop 8

A friend of mine lead me in the direction of a blog called, "The Conservative Voice of Azusa Pacific University: For God and Country."  Their blog post today was titled, "Clause Response: Prop 8" (The Clause is the student newspaper at Azusa Pacific).  I have been hearing responses about Prop 8 at nauseam, but this response was just so uneducated and uninformed that it was quite upsetting.

The author writes:

One of the things that undermines the logic of the anti-prop 8 people is that they don’t actually believe that everyone should be able to marry anyone they want. They don’t believe that if a man loves two women that he should marry them. If they really believe that the government must recognize everyone’s love then a brother should marry a sister and so on. Once the debate rightly turns to how should marriage be defined then the anti-prop 8 group is weakened because of the obvious nature of the social structure of marriage. To redefine the institution that families are built around (marriage) into something that has nothing to do with families is a step in the wrong direction.

The anti-prop 8 people only gain strength when they self-righteously compare themselves to the civil rights movement, something that they have no resemblance to. It should be offensive to most people to compare the idea of preserving the definition marriage to Jim Crow laws and violent racist.

The primarily purpose of marriage is the responsibility of a family. It makes a huge difference in a child’s life if you don’t have a mother or a father. I have no hatred towards homosexuals, I simply do not think my father can offer me what my mother can and vice versa. To compare this to racism truly is offensive to victims of racism.

[...]

Most people in support of prop 8 believe homosexual couples should receive equal protection under the law with civil unions. But people against prop 8 commonly say this is another case of “separate but equal”. This is not the case. The left commonly confuses sameness with equality. Like I said before at the heart of this is the roles of the mother and the father, who have equal roles but not the same roles. This is “separate but equal” as much as we have separate male and female restrooms.

I must have said the words, "Are you kidding me!?" out loud at least a dozen times when I read the post.  I would like to add a small response to their blog, just to get conversation started.

So let us think about this:  considering that we are having to court hearings and constitutional amendments and such around the topic of marriage, it is now clear that marriage is not a religious institution.  Besides if marriage was just a religious institution, then people would not be able to get married at city hall.  Also, when a couple divorces and decides to legally end their marriage, they do not go to their pastor, because obviously their marriage is a legal (or civic) institution.

Now, as a person of color, I have no problem, nor am I offended, by making comparisons between racism and the oppression of LGBTQ people.  I experience discrimination and oppression as a queer individual much in the same way that I experience discrimination as a brown-skinned individual.  Proponents of the proposition are uncomfortable with linking the two because that would mean that if they are anti-gay rights, then that would mean that they are same level as racists.  And who would want to compared to a racist?

My last point:  if you want to make this an issue of religion, that's fine, I can go that route too. I am sorry that you may think otherwise, but I have a religious right to marriage!!  Not only is Prop 8 a violation of my human rights, but it is also a violation of my religious liberties.  My faith in God and my relationship and journey with Jesus affirms same-sex marriage!  And as Americans we uphold that we have the right to religion; many evangelicals will make sure that they are fully exercising that right.  Well, I too exercise that right, because as a Christian, I know that God loves and affirms LGBTQ individuals and celebrates our relationships!

The other posts at this blog are also rather depressing and the arguments are not cogent and are completely bizarre.  But this response goes out to not just this blog post, but to all proponents of Prop 8.  My heart goes out to the proponents though, because just as Christ said, "Father, forgive them, for they not know what they do" (Luke 23:34).

Unlikely Disciple: Undercover at a Christian College

I came across an article at CampusProgress.org about a student from Brown University, who went undercover at Liberty University to conduct a field study of Christian colleges.  Kevin Roose (the student), then wrote a book about his experiences at Liberty.  Roose talks about Christian education, conservative Christian views on homosexuality, and why the "God divide" is overblown.

The book is "The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University;" naturally, I was intrigued by the book, given the topic being discussed. Being a former student of a Christian university, I am very interested in reading about Roose's experiences.  I haven't read the whole book yet, I have only been able to read some excerpts.  My actual book copy was just ordered from Amazon.

An editorial review from Booklist reports:

Brown University student Roose didn’t think of himself as being particularly religious, yet he conceived the novel idea of enrolling at Liberty University, the school Jerry Falwell built, thereby transferring from a school “a notch or two above Sodom and Gomorrah” to the evangelical equivalent of Notre Dame or Brigham Young. His reasons were logical, though curious. To him, a semester at Liberty was like studying abroad. “Here, right in my time zone, was a culture more foreign to me than any European capital.” He tells his story entertainingly, as a matter of trying to blend in and not draw too much attention to himself. One hardened habit he had to break was cursing; he even bought a Christian self-help book to tame his tongue. Throughout his time at Liberty, he stayed level-headed, nuanced, keenly observant. He meant to find some gray in the black-and-white world of evangelicalism, and he learned a few things. His stint at Liberty hardly changed the world but did alter his way at looking at it. That’s a start.

I think this book is going to be a great read.  I expect that the author is going to be very honest about his feelings and his emotions.  When he arrived at Liberty, many of the students asked him why he left Brown.  He responded that he wanted to know what it was like to go to a Christian college.  And it's true.  After I read the book I hope to compare and contrast his experiences to my own.

This Is What Love In Action Looks Like

June 6, 2009 is the official release date for the DVD of the documentary "This Is What Love In Action Looks Like."  The documentary recalls the story of Zach Stark, a young man whose parents forced him to attend the Love In Action residential program when he was 16 years old (in the summer of 2005).

Below is an extended preview of the documentary:

From the film's official blog:

The documentary chronicles the personal stories of those involved and their relationships with God, the world around them and themselves as this agonizingly divisive and polarizing issue unfolds. It also features an extremely surprising, and highly unlikely friendship that developed over this time period, which no one could have predicted would form.

It follows the events that led up to and sparked this story, the ongoing protests and the events that have continued since, including state investigations into LIA’s practices, a lawsuit filed by LIA against the State of Tennessee, as well as the story of the return of a former teen client of Refuge a year later to speak out against the program in a “one year anniversary protest.”

In the years since it began, with all the media coverage and investigations, Zach had declined to tell his story. Until now. The teenager whose MySpace blogs began it all gives an exclusive interview for the documentary.

Video: Sentence for Being Gay in Iran

This video is very difficult to watch, but it is reality and this is the world we do live in.  In Iran, the sentence for two adults of the same sex that have consensual sexual acts with one another is being thrown off the roof.  The issue of homophobia and violence against LGBTQs is not just an American issue, we need to remind ourselves that this is a global issue.  As global citizens we need to recognize the injustice and inhumanity of this type of treatment.

(Hat Tip to Gays Without Borders)

My Personal Gay Christian Theme Song

I have written a few times about my wonderful experiences I had while I was in choir at Azusa Pacific University.  Music was the way I was able to process things. It was a way for me to transfer my energy and frustration into something productive and creative.  As I am studying for my final exams I have my iTunes playing in the background.  My study playlist includes not only show tunes (given) but also recordings of the Azusa Pacific Men's Chorale.

As I was listening through some of my favorite songs, I came across the song, "If Any Man Be In Christ."  It was a song I really enjoyed performing.  I actually didn't realize how gendered the song was, it was an adaptation of "If Any One Be In Christ"--changed for to accommodate an all-male choir.  But I began reflecting over the lyrics and started really feeling like this song sums up for me my own journey of being a gay Christian.

All things are made new,

For God has reconciled us

Through faith in Jesus Christ.

Our sins have been forgiven

Now we are children of light.

We are ambassadors

For Christ...

We now implore you,

We now implore in the name of Jesus.

Be reconciled,

Be reconciled to God.

At first I had to reflect on what "sin" it is that God has forgiven me of as a gay Christian.  And then it made sense:  before coming out I was truly bearing false witness to who I was and to God's creation.  I turned my back on God because 1.) I was angry that zie wouldn't "deliver me" from homosexuality, and 2.) I was ashamed that I was unable to change, I thought you couldn't be gay and be a Christian.  God forgave me for turning away and for denying the beauty of hir creation.  And once God forgave me, all things were made new.

As a gay Christian I am an ambassador.  I strive to be a living example of reconciling love and grace.  I implore other Christians in the name of Jesus to practice his teachings of love and grace.  Listen to "If Any Man Be In Christ" below.

Queer Bombing

I am not sure if just in the spirit of a newly elected President of the Unites States that inaugural events seem to be exciting now, but today was the Inauguration of the new chancellor of the University of California, Riverside.  The theme chosen for the event was "Living The Promise;" the new Chancellor Timothy White shared what that theme means to him in his vision for the UCR community.

Today a group of students (including myself) decided that this would be an appropriate event to queer bomb.

Queer Bomb --verb-- 1. the collective action of a large group of persons gathering in a public space that is either 1. usually crowded and dominated by heterosexuals and/or heteronormative ideals OR 2. does not usually include queer/LGBT people or ideas for the purpose of increasing Queer Visibilitity, creating a Safer Space for queers in the public sphere through safety in numbers, and/or confronting normative hetero space to recognize, coexist, and converse with Queer persons and Queer presentations and Queer existance.

Example (used in a sentence): "Did you know we are going to queer bomb the bowling alley on friday night? Don't forget to wear your queer bomb t-shirt, it's mandatory!"

Definition provided by UCSB Queer Bombers.

We want Chancellor White to acknowledge and recognize the FULL diversity of the UCR community.  We wore our queer bomb shirts (with that logo on them) to the Inauguration and certainly got a lot of recognition and received many compliments.

The ASUCR (Associated Students) President told us how awesome it was that she could she see and recognize us from the bleachers while she gave her speech from the stage.

Chancellor White also greeted us and took a group picture with us.  He told us he was very proud of our community!  He was a great guy!

We felt this visibility was important, because so often LGBTQ people are left out of the vision for diversity.  We cannot let any communities go unrecognized or unacknowledged.  Putting faces to the topic and issues make them personal.

The events ended with a citrus tasting, which I was quite new to this concept of a "citrus tasting;" I am now a huge fan!

UPDATE:  This photo is actually from the UCR website in their section for the Inauguration.  Now the whole UCR community can see Chancellor White's support for the LGBTQ community on campus.

Memories: Carman and God's Army

I have been off the radar for the past couple of days (and will continue to be for a bit more) due to the end of the academic quarter.  I have been finalizing papers and preparing for an exam that I am most certainly not looking forward to.

Whenever I need a distraction from studying I browse the Internet looking for things that I find nostalgic.  As I was working on a paper for my Evangelical Religion, Culture, and Media in the United States class, I started thinking about the very first Christian concert I went to.  I was around 8 or 9 years old and my mom and I went to the Selland Arena in Fresno, California on a bus with our church to see....CARMAN!  I was the happiest little boy ever!  I remember standing there with my hands raised and eyes fixed upwards towards heaven during the entire concert.

As I look back now, Carman was a very interesting person.  My favorite song was "God's Got An Army."  It's strange how there is so much reference to violence and fighting (even if it is figurative) in contemporary Christian music, even though Christ teaches us to turn the other cheek.

Meeting With United Methodist Bishops

Bishop Weaver, Bishop Arichea, Bishop Dyck, Bishop Carcaño, Bishop Lowery, along with several representative from the Reconciling Ministries Network, and representatives from the Methodist Federation for Social Action and Affirmation, met with a facilitator from Just Peace on  Monday, March 9th at an airport hotel in Chicago to follow up on the conversations begun in Ft. Worth at General Conference after the Reconciling witness on the plenary floor. Bishops Machado and Pennel were unable to attend.

My expectations going into the meeting were to have open, honest, and authentic conversations with active listening.  For everyone to hear one another authentically, in the spirit of all being one in Christ.

We began with lunch in small groups as a way to introduce ourselves to one another and to engage in small group conversations.

Our meeting time with the bishops was for two hours, although two hours was definitely not an adequate amount of time for discussion.

The meeting opened with introductions from Troy Plummer and Bishop Dyck about how we got to this meeting; referencing back to General Conference 2008.

We then went around the room twice for each person to share what their hopes were for the meeting and even in the bigger picture.  I expressed, along with several others, the importance of including young people in this conversation.  Young people are at a different place on issues relating to sexuality.  Furthermore, young people need a church to call home and if the church is constantly condemning people, what home does that leave them?  I also shared that I joined the United Methodist Church because I was hurt by my own church many, many times; I don't want to see myself get hurt again, nor do I want to see other people being hurt by the church.

After a summation of common threads, we broke off into small groups to discuss methods and ways of going forward.  Then we reconvened in our large group to share our ideas and to gather around common themes.  There was a lot of consensus around committing to/having public conversation grounded in our Methodist way of relating to each other and beliefs.

The last part of the meeting was rather awkward and confusing as we attempted to figure out if we were done or if we would all meet again.  There was also confusion on what "public conversation" looked like and how that would be achieved.  There was also confusion and differences among the bishops in terms of their own personal visions, goals, and expectations.

After closing the meeting, the Reconciling advocates gathered to debrief about the meeting.  There was clear dissatisfaction with some of the aspects of the meeting.  I expressed my own confusion and frustration over the differences in ideas over what "public conversation" meant and whether we would meet again with the bishops.

During the awkward closing of the meeting, there was some discussion over the possibility of "widening the table" to include representatives from Good News and Confessing Movement.  For myself and several others, we were very uncomfortable with that idea.  As one person said during our debriefing, if we were having a conversation about how to achieve racial reconciliation, we wouldn't invite the Ku Klux Klan or a white supremacy group to show us how.  That was definitely my own sentiment towards that idea of inviting opposing groups into this discussion about how we are going to bring the church to a point of reconciliation over gender and sexual diversity.

The agenda is definitely left unfinished!  Both sides were encouraged to map out our ideas of how we can implement open and public conversation.  In the end, I felt the the meeting ended unclear and incomplete.  I know we will be working hard to make sure this meeting happens again and to make sure we are moving forward and not just taking one step forward just to stay there or to take steps back.

Dude-Sex

Straight Dude Drunk and Horny . . . Any str8 bud wanna jack? – 27. Here’s the deal. Went out drinking and clubbing, thought I’d hook up with a chick, but didn’t pan out. I’m buzzed, horny, checking out porn. Is there any other straight dude out there who would be into jacking while watching porn?...I’d rather hook up with a chick, but none of the CL [Craigslist] chicks ever work out.

Journey on over to Craigslist and read some of the postings for "Men Interested in Men" and you will find a BUNCH of postings just like this one--definitely some a bit more graphic.  A while back I wrote a blog titled, "No Fems!" that expressed my frustration with gay and bisexual men that place a lot of emphasis on masculine gender expression and label it "straight-acting."  But more recently I have been intrigued by another group of men:  straight-identified men that have sex with men.

I just read an amazing article by a professor, Jane Ward, that I will soon be one of my faculty advisors here at the University of California, Riverside, titled, “Dude-Sex: White Masculinities and ‘Authentic’ Heterosexuality Among Dudes Who Have Sex With Dudes.”

Abstract: Based on examination of an online community in which white "str8"-identified men assert that sex with other white men bolsters their heterosexual masculinity, this article examines the heterosexual and racialized meanings that white str8 dudes attach to their same-sex behaviors... I argue that in a culture constituted by both a racial and sexual binary, whiteness and heterosexuality are "natural" bedfellows that simultaneously signify the "really, really normal" subject. [Abstract from publisher's website]

Ward does an amazing job shedding light on this subject and I highly recommend reading the article if you are able to access it from the publisher's website.

There are so many questions that are raised when thinking about straight-identified men that have sex with other men--particularly identity questions.  I have had my own encounters with men this category of men.  Men that will have sex with men just for the sake of having sex (the ecstasy, the pleasure, etc.) but identify as straight.  They claim that sex is just a physical thing and they are able to separate sex from emotions.

So is it possible?  Can one identify as one sexual orientation and cross over sexually just for the sake of physical and sexual satisfaction?

When I began peaking out of the closet I was very hesitant about meeting anyone since I was not willing to allow myself to "outed" or even really to admit that I was seeking out guys because that would mean that I accepted my homosexual identity (I was still convinced that I was straight, or would at least end up straight).  I met this one guy in my dorm hall that I started fooling around with.  It was a way for me to start understanding my attractions for other men, even if I was determined to make them go away.  The guy on the other hand had no same-sex attractions.  He was a rather sexually active straight college student.  Our little rendezvous were (at least for him) just another way to be sexually satisfied.  He made it very clear that it was sex for the sake of sex and that he was straight.

Our little "meetings" ended when I confessed to my counselor that I was seeing a regular sex partner.  In my quest to freedom from homosexuality I had no problem cutting him out of my life--although it was tough because he lived down the hall.  I look back and see that area of my life as part of my coming out experience and how I was able to make sense out of why I am naturally attracted to men.

After I ended my sessions with my counselor and came out as openly gay I made contact with him again.  I figured sharing my journey with him and how I was able to affirm my own sexual orientation would at least inspire him to feel comfortable with himself and accept his own gay identity.  Except, he doesn't have a gay identity.  It was sex for the sake of sex.

I think it is important to then move away from (or perhaps past) being defined solely by sexual activity.  Were I to never have sex again, I would still be gay.

I discussed this topic with my friend Brian Murphy and we both raised some very important questions about sex and sexual orientation:  How much weight do we place on sex acts?  What is "straight" or "heterosexual"?   How do we balance identification with action?  How has a "straight" identity (ours or another) impeded relationships or personal growth?

I personally would like to argue that one's sexual orientation is not defined by their sexual activity.  Looking at ancient civilizations, it is easier to to understand how this argument can be true.

All around I think this is an interesting topic for us to think about and to begin processing.  How much of our identity is based on our actions?  I look forward to posting more about this subject and I welcome feedback and different perspectives.

ManBQ: Overcooking Gender Roles

One of the wonderful things about Facebook is newsfeed, it's like the gossip column of the 21st century in my opinion.  Through the newsfeed on Facebook I became aware of an event that several of my Facebook friends from Azusa Pacific University will be attending, "ManBQ."

Attention all MEN, we're hosting a BBQ this Wednesday night! Come to Trinity lawn for some free CARNE ASADA, conversation, and a chance to talk about Godly sexuality and manhood.  Author Jack Balswick, who spoke in chapel last year, will be sharing his thoughts. The conversation will be candid and you will be able to ask questions. Come out for free food and a great chance to talk about what it means to be a MAN. [Emphasis in original].

Besides being annoyed by the over-masculinized and patriarchal tone of the description, my attention was drawn to the discussion about Godly sexuality and the presence of Jack Balswick.  As I mentioned in my "True Love Waits" post, most discussions about sexuality in evangelical settings are usually misleading and in my opinion, don't offer any valuable advice.  Since this discussion will be within the context of "manhood," I can only imagine how misleading their discussion will be.  When I was a student at Azusa Pacific, I remember discussions about manliness being very depressing.  Often it was a group of guys trying to reassert and reaffirm their masculinity by discussing how they were different than women.  A lot of emphasis was placed on strength and how we were to assert our God-given strength, etc.  I never felt that I could identify with the masculine image that was being presented.  Although I would try and in the end feel like I was a hopeless little nelly.

This discussion will be aided by Jack Balswick, a sociologist from Fuller Theological Seminary that focuses on marriage and family.  The issue of homosexuality is rather troublesome for Balswick, considering his commitment to belief that the Bible is an authoritative text.  He accepts Fuller's strong commitment to heterosexual marriage but at the same time wants to avoid anything that resembles gay-bashing.  The result is language like this, from the book Authentic Human Sexuality: An Integrated Christian Approach (1999):

We acknowledge that some gay Christians may choose to commit themselves to a lifelong, monogamous homosexual union, believing this is God's best for them. They believe that this reflects an authentic sexuality that is congruent for them and their view of Scripture. Even though we hold to the model of a heterosexual, lifelong, monogamous union, our compassion brings us to support all persons as they move in the direction of God's ideal for their lives.

Thus, Balswick has developed a very "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy when it comes to homosexuality; go figure, so has APU and most other Christian colleges and universities.  But I wonder then how Balswick will approach this discussion about Godly sexuality and manhood; Jack and his wife co-author their books together, and they often discuss modern gender roles and lean towards shared roles in some parts, so I wonder if that progressive belief will fit well with a discussion about manhood.

My challenge to my colleagues at Azusa Pacific is to step back from what you think makes you manly, or trying to affirm your masculinity.  Instead affirm just your individuality.  When we try to define what is manly and what is manhood, we create boundaries.  And when someone doesn't fit that definition they are thrown into an identity crisis because they realize that they are out of bounds.  Let us remember that gender roles are socially constructed; therefore, each of us get to decide what it means to be a man or a woman for ourselves.  

True Love Waits

I am currently finishing up a book by Heather Hendershot titled, Shaking The World For Jesus: Media and Conservative Evangelical Culture.  In this book Hendershot looks at the "center" of conservative evangelical culture, primarily though the white middle-class.  This is an excellent book to read especially if you've grown up in an evangelical setting like I have.  The book is divided into three sections; the first section discusses the "commodification" part of evangelical culture, such as Christian cultural products, films, shows, and contemporary Christian music.  The second section discusses sexuality, a very interesting that I want to talk about.  In the first chapter of this section, Hendershot discusses the chastity movement within evangelical culture, such as the True Love Waits campaign.  And the second chapter of the section examines the Cathedral of Hope, the world's largest LGBTQ church, as well as focusing on ex-gay survivors that are still Christians and how they have reconciled their faith with their sexual orientation after having experienced reparative therapy.

Hendershot raises a very important issue through this section of her book: sexuality, when discussed in evangelical media, is very one-sided.  Discussions about marriage, chastity, and sexual control remain reserved only for heterosexual Christians, while mainstream Christian videos, books, and magazines reject LGBTQ Christians.

During my high school years, I remember reading the upcoming topics in the bulletin that would be coming up in youth group.  The topic of "Sex" would usually catch my eye, as it did for the other hormonal teenagers.  It was always an interesting topic and it was addressed in different ways throughout my four years of high school.  Sometimes they would separate the boys and girls, other times we would remain together by on different sides of the room, and I think one time we were able to intermingle.  We were reminded that our bodies are temples and they are sacred, etc.  Also that sex is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing, that God gives us so we can experience it ONLY when we are married.  High school did a better job talking about sex than college did for me--in college the guys were they were out of control horny pigs and women fear us for that reason.

One year, if I remember correctly it was my junior year, we were presented with True Love Wait commitment cards!  These cards were a contract between us and God that committed us to abstinence until marriage.  The direct lines on the card were:

Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate, and my future children to a lifetime of purity including sexual abstinence from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship.

We were also to choose an accountability partner that we could turn to if we were feeling tempted; however, my accountability partner did not do a very good job keeping me accountable...

This contract I made with God served many problems for me.  I was to abstain from sexual activity "until the day I enter a biblical marriage."  Although some of my youth pastors never explicitly talked about homosexuality being sinful during youth group services, they certainly placed a lot of emphasis on what the Bible said about marriage.  They always discussed the nuclear model for marriage and there was no other alternative.  Part of my difficulty accepting my queer identity was due to my desire to want to get married and have a family.  Unfortunately the family portrait that was painted for me did not include two dads.

As Valentine's Day is approaching I can only imagine how many youth groups will be having their sex talks with their students.  I can only imagine how many True Love Waits cards will be signed.  In a way, I can support the idea of sexual abstinence until one enters into marriage or a committed partnership--the safest sex is no sex after all.  However, I cannot support a one-sided message.  It is not okay for LGBTQ youth to have feel like they're outsiders when evangelical chastity media comes out.  It is also not okay for LGBTQ youth to not be presented with the option to have a beautiful family with whomever they choose to be their partner.  True love knows no gender.

Cultivating Our Queer Community

I am personally very excited about 2009, because I have some exciting plans in my agenda that will help transform not only communities, but myself as well.

February 13-15, I will attending the 19th Annual Western Regional LGBTQIA College Conference at the University of California, Santa Barbara.  The mission of the 2009 Western Regional LGBTQIA College Conference is to educate and empower queer youth, students, families, professionals, community members, and allies by providing an all inclusive space to dialogue about critical issues, to network with other leaders, and to mobilize our community from the ground up---all in line with their theme for this year:  "Cultivating Our Queer Community."

At the conference I will be facilitating a workshop on the ex-gay movement and the ex-gay survivor movement.  I will discuss the various reasons why some us chose ex-gay programs, potential harms, and what the LGBTQ community can do in response to reparative therapies and how to reach out to survivors and those considering going through reparative therapy.  I will draw on my own experiences and the stories of other ex-gay survivors.  I also plan to share a couple scenes from "Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House" by Peterson Toscano.

It is going to be a fantastic weekend of fellowship with other LGBTQ advocates and our allies.  I am really excited about having the opportunity to continue sharing my story with others (especially young people).  It's exhausting at times though (emotionally and physically) when we recount these events and experiences in our past, but it is also rewarding.  I encourage people to begin to share their life stories through any means of communication, whether it be through writing, video, poetry, art, etc.  You will find that these outlets are a great catharsis.

This year we should commit ourselves to sharing our stories!  At least through one way, even if that means sharing your story with a friend over coffee.  Get out there and share your story!

UPDATE:  I will also be co-facilitating an open caucus for Queer People of Color and First Generation college students.

Prayers For Bobby

This is the story of Mary Griffith, a gay rights crusader whose teenage son committed suicide because of her religious intolerance.  Based on the book of the same title by Leroy Aarons, actress Sigourney Weaver does an amazing job sharing this emotional experience through her character of Mary.

This trailer brought tears to my eyes, I can only imagine how much more powerful the film will be in it's full length.  This movie is such a great resource for parents that don't know how to handle with their LGBT child comes out to them.  The movie airs on Lifetime on January 24th, check your local listings.

First Sermon: Psalm 139:1-6, 13-18

Peterson Toscano: Why I went ex-gay

Recently Peterson has been reflecting on the many reasons why he chose to go "ex-gay."  He mentions that as we have these conversations about why we would choose ex-gay route, we often add depth to the conversations as we begin to go through this process of sharing.

Below is a video of Peterson sharing in his own words some of the reasons he chose to go ex-gay.

"In The Life" focuses on former ex-gays

The ex-gay movement and its survivors become the focus of the latest segment of "In The Life;" the segment draws on the stories of ex-gay survivors and faith leaders.  The Ex-Gay Survivor's Conference that was held in Irvine, California is also featured in this segment; sharing the process that many of us have gone through to begin healing the hurts and wounds that were left through our experiences in ex-gay therapy.

The segment shows a few clips of me sharing parts of my ex-gay experience.  It was recorded at a time that I was just beginning to become comfortable with sharing that part of my life with other people.  My hope was that my story would serve as a witness to the many men and women, young and old, that consider the thought that they are unholy and unworthy of God's love because they are LGBTQ.  Today, that is still my hope and goal of sharing my story, wherever that may be.  Follow the link to view the segment!