Finding Freedom and Coming Out of a Christian College

In 2007 I had the unique, but rewarding, opportunity to be a Rider on the Soulforce Equality Ride. We visited various Christian colleges and university across the country that have policies and/or environments that discriminate against LGBTQ students, faculty, and staff. Part of my interest in the Ride came from my own personal connection with Christian colleges. Prior to my involvement with Soulforce I was a student at Azusa Pacific University, one of the largest evangelical Christian universities in the country. However, after coming out as openly gay to the entire university, I was forced to make a very difficult decision: to leave the university.

When I talk about my coming out experiences, I am often asked, "What was it like to be gay at a Christian college?" And as I think about my own story and the stories I encountered from queer students on the Equality Ride, I feel inclined to reply by just simply saying, "It sucked." But if I'm going to really think about what it was like to be a gay student at a Christian college, I need to elaborate just a bit more. Granted, I can only speak from my own experiences and the stories I've heard from other LGBTQ students.

The other night I was watching the fantastic film, Little Ashes. The film tells the story of the intimate relationship between the great 20th-century Spanish poet and playwright, Federico García Lorca and surrealist Salvador Dalí. The complex love affair between the two forced them to be private and secretive about their same-sex romance under Franco's regime, which made homosexuality illegal in Spain. The film follows their secret relationship as they maneuver being intimately involved with one another, while not be caught. Federico García Lorca, however, was executed on August 19, 1936. After his death, his work was censored and many of his writings were destroyed.



As I watched the film, I was reminded of my experiences of being a closeted gay student at a Christian college. There was a sense of feeling trapped that entered my mind when I was aware of my same-sex attractions in college. My entire life suddenly had to become private. That included the feelings I had towards other men. Part of this sense of feeling trapped and having to hide my homosexuality lead me to making the decision to go through ex-gay therapy, in hopes of trying to fix myself so nobody would ever find out that I was gay.

A policy that prohibits students from engaging in any "homosexual acts or behaviors" forces students to police themselves and each other. It traps them behind their doors of their dorm rooms so that they won't be discovered. These policies prohibit young people from coming into full self-realization. They disable our hearts, minds, and souls from maturing. Furthermore, they instill fear. The same fear and confusion we see in García Lorca's life.

Federico García Lorca was able to come to understand himself through his passion and love for Salvador Dalí. I know this is especially true for my life too. I came to understand myself as a gay person through experiencing real love and intimacy with another man. That love roused a sense of courage within me to be open about my homosexuality and to challenge the institution that caused me to walk with fear every single day. As we also learn from García Lorca, standing up to the institution comes with consequences. Being honest with yourself also comes with consequences.

It breaks my heart that like García Lorca, many lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer individual's lives are short-lived. Death is a reality for many closeted LGBTQ students at Christian colleges. We're witnessing the media finally drawing attention to the high-rate of queer-related suicides that plague our young person population. We have a responsibility as individuals that are witnessing this travesty. García Lorca spoke of freedom before his death and called us to push for that freedom against the institution of discrimination.

I feel connected to García Lorca's story as I reflect on what it was like for me to be a gay student at a Christian college. It's not easy and I won't claim that it gets better. Because for many it doesn't get better. Rather, I call us to make it better, so that death doesn't have to be an option anymore for our LGBTQ young people.

I close with a line from one of García Lorca's plays. In his play Mariana Pineda, García Lorca portrays the heroine as a martyr to liberty and love: "Yo soy la libertad porque el amor lo quiso. / ¡Pedro!, la libertad por la cual me dejaste. / Yo soy la libertad herida por los hombres. / Amor, amor y amor y eternas soledades" ("I am freedom because love wanted it so; / Pedro! the freedom for which you left me. / I am freedom stricken by men / Love, love, love and eternal solitudes").

For me I found freedom from the prison that I allowed the policy to create for me. I freed myself from the self-imposed hate and shame. But most importantly I found freedom from a community and policy that wasn't safe for me as a gay student. Finding freedom means creating liberating and safe spaces that allows us to simply exist. To be alive. To celebrate that we are given the gift of life. And to live freely as God created and affirms us to be.