As I read through the article I could see myself in Michael's story. As an ex-gay survivor I once felt and believed the same things he explains as to why he chose to go ex-gay.
Sadly, our stories are not unique and isolated experiences. However, the reasons why Michael chose to go ex-gay and my own reasons do differ quite a bit. But again, even his reasons for going ex-gay is not unique. While religion and theology may play a role in convincing some that homosexuality is a sin and in need of repair, there is usually more at work in the decision to put oneself through reparative therapy.
Prior to going ex-gay, Michael lived his life as openly gay man, well versed in queer theologies and theories. Many would said he had the ideal life. But what changed? Why give all that up to go to Bible college and become a poster child for the ex-gay movement? For Michael, his journey begins after a near death experience due to heart complications. Soon after, his "perfect world" began to fall around him. Yet he could not figure out why everything in life was seemingly going wrong. So why not blame the gay?
Often with these experiences, as many of us have experienced in our own lives, we feel lonely and isolated. Many try to fill this void with different things: God, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. It sounds like Michael was able to call out how he was filling certain voids in his life. While Michael recites many of the common ex-gay spiel about masculinity and unnatural attractions, I was drawn to following statements by him:
“God loves you more than any dude will ever love you.... Don’t put your faith in some man, some flesh. That’s what we do when we’re stuck in the gay identity, when we’re stuck in that cave. We go from guy to guy, looking for someone to love us and make us feel O.K., but God is so much better than all the other masters out there.”
“Homosexuality is a cage in which you are trapped in an endless cycle of constantly wanting more — sexually — that you can never actually receive, constantly full of emptiness, trying to justify your twisted actions by politics and ‘feel good’ language.”
While this is also common ex-gay rhetoric, it seems to be the most powerful thing in his story. And it's something I think many of us can identify with: a feeling of loneliness and desperation. While many ex-gay Christians use scripture and faith to explain why they chose to "de-gayify" themselves, I find that for myself, I used religion as a distraction from the real reasons why I was trying to make myself straight. It was only when I was able to confront that issue, that I was able to love and accept myself as a gay man. Peterson Toscano, wrote a blog post a while back that lists The MANY reasons I went ex-gay. I also recall my own reasons I went ex-gay in a YouTube video:
Somewhere in our lives, we all have a friend like Michael. As loving people, I believe we are called to reach out to them and try to encourage them to find the happiness already within them. Last month I wrote an article sharing Encouraging Bible Verses for Gays and Lesbians that can help us to share a message of hope and reconciliation to our LGBTQ kin that are hurting inside. My hope for Michael, and others like Michael, is that they do find the peace and love within them to love themselves just as God fearfully and wonderfully made them to be.
I think Benoit Denizet-Lewis did an excellent job sharing his friend's story. It was interesting, and honestly, through-provoking. It definitely raises questions about the artificiality and 'flimsiness' of sex and sexuality. But at the same time, Michael's story re-emphasizes how the ex-gay movement plays on those themes to instruct that LGBTQ people need to change.
Photo Credit: Michael Schmelling/The New York Times
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