Be The Change

Although I've had this in my possession for a bit of time, I am not sure why I haven't posted it yet. But here it is!

"Be The Change" is produced and recorded by Marina Catala and Katie Covell. It takes a look at the 2007 Soulforce Equality Ride--specifically the East Route. As many of you know, I was a Rider on the Equality Ride this past Spring--on the East Route--so seeing this video definitely brings back a lot of the emotions I had on the Equality Ride.

In the video you will see a clip from our visit to Baylor University. I was arrested at Baylor after I wrote, "God Loves All!" in sidewalk chalk on the sidewalk. Soon after I spent over 26 hours in jail under unreasonable and harsh conditions with a $2000 bail. All for affirming that our God is loving God of all people.

Epiphany? Maybe?

It is nice to be able to post on here again since Sunday. With all my finals done for the Fall semester, it is going to be nice to work on some other things (like the Diocese of San Joaquin, my new shows, etc).

Let me say though, before I go more into this blog, how good it feels to finally reclaim my education. After being out of school for a year, after being pushed out of Azusa Pacific University, it feels really good to see that I am reclaiming my life, which was derailed so hard that I wasn't even sure what to do with the pieces. Unfortunately, I am facing the reality of the fact that I left APU when I was so early in my undergraduate education, which means I am at a junior college right now trying to finish all my general education so that I can be eligible for upper-division transfer to a 4-year university. Nonetheless though, it feels good. I'm transferring in the Fall (2008) to a California State University or one of the campuses of the University of California as a Religious Studies major, life is good and God makes it happen.

With this week having been finals week, I had to do a final performance in my Actor's Workshop. It was pretty much free range in terms of what we could do for a performance. So, as a theatrical performance activist in his reproduction stage, I decided that I would share with them a little bit of Peterson Toscano. I performed a small piece of "Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo HalfWay House: How I Survived the Ex-Gay Movement." Besides the other Vince and myself, everyone in the course is heterosexual and was raised in conservative Merced, CA; but they received the performance very, very well. I was relieved and felt so empowered. For one, I cannot thank Peterson enough for allowing me to share this brilliant performance piece with everyone. And also, I am ready to start transforming the California Central Valley from fundamental conservative old men to educated and informed people.

Which totally reminds me, I have found the undiscovered tap of transgender individuals in Merced (primarily transmen). It is amazing and beautiful and I get excited when I think about how much I can offer this area with my experience and my love for people and my desire to want to make progressive healthy changes. I feel like God is pointing out to me all that I can do and the communities I can start working with to make a difference.

You too can help me make a difference by signing the petition to the Diocese of San Joaquin, by going here (http://www.petitiononline.com/diosj/petition.html). Read the previous blog to find out more about what that is all about.

I sort of feel like Joshua right now. Merced is Jericho. God has just told me to take up my sword and to lead. Like Joshua, I will listen, not really knowing what God is gonna present me with. But I'm ready to listen and to obey. I will non-violently fight the Battle of Jericho here in Merced.

Separation of Church...and Church?

Today, the Diocese of San Joaquin (the local diocese for the Central Valley of California, which includes where I live) for the Episcopal church, made a historical vote ( 173 to 22), at their annual convention, to separate themselves from the National Episcopal church. Their choice to separate was based on their differences with national Episcopal church on homosexuality, the blessing of same-gender unions, and the ordination of female clergy. The Diocese of San Joaquin will follow in the steps of many South American Episcopal churches that maintain a conservative, fundamental, "traditional" view of the scriptures.

I am in complete utter shock and disappointment in the Diocese of San Joaquin. But I am also reminded that they are victims of misinformation. This is also more disappointing because I was considering attending the Episcopal church here in Merced in hopes that they were more loving and tolerant (as opposed to my Catholic perish). "Forgive them Lord, for they not know what they do."

I am not discouraged though, I am inspired now to do some work and to get some education and dialogue out there. I am making it my personal duty to speak out and to reach out to the Diocese. To sit still would be a sin .

Luckily, I'm working on a show called, "Bursting the Bubble," which will focus on stepping outside of the Christian "bubble" to see real issues that are happening in the world, that many Christians are often blind to because they are often to absorbed in the "Evangelical scene."

I think my next step is to start contacting some clergy. Which I think we will discuss their vision statement: "Bringing all to an ever-expanding knowledge and joy of the Lord Jesus Christ." The word "all" is usually inclusive and their recent actions are rather exclusive.

Family Matters

No, not the family sitcom from the 90s, but I am dealing with some family matters and I am also learning that family does matter. So there is a lot cooking in my mental pot right now.

When I was in counseling (conversion therapy), my counselor and I examined my family very closely. Apparently there is criteria for how a family is supposed to be and how the children are supposed to be raised, but my family didn't meet that criteria. So our examination of my family served to show me how dysfunctional my family was. I was convinced that it was my parents' fault that I was struggling with homosexuality (especially my father) because of their lack of "ideal" parenting. I built up resentment towards my parents as a result of feeling that they screwed my life up and set me up for spiritual failure.

One thing that I really came face to face with during ex-gay counseling was the "dysfunctional" behavior of my family. I became aware of issues that were always there, but never really looked at. My parents' relationship with each other was violent (tongue and heart, never physical) and unhealthy and it often affected the children. There was a huge lack of communication--well the only communication was yelling and never-ending arguments. Lack of "loving discipline." And there were several others.

Although we brought these issues up and I was now face-to-face with them, I was never taught how to cope with them. I didn't learn how to create a loving and safe environment for myself within my family. Primarily because I think the goal was just to find blame for my homosexuality: my family's detrimental behavior and lifestyles.

It's been a struggle for me, after starting my detoxing from ex-gay therapy, to, 1. find forgiveness for my parents, for their lack of control and discipline; 2. to reconcile that I am very different from my family and I always have been (I'm non-violent, I live with a sense of purpose, and I'm a Christian); and 3. to want them as my family. I've grown and have worked on these things a lot within myself, and I make every attempt to try to work with my family on this (although they don't want to hear it, nor do they really care).

Presently, my family is at a point where I have never seen myself so disconnected. I don't mean to share their personal issues, but their personal issues have affected me greatly and ex-gay therapy has amplified it. My parents are now (as of this week) going through a divorce. My parents are both also going through their "mid-life crises." My sisters are over actively exploring their sexuality and individualism. And I don't know how to deal with all of this.

I am married, so I technically don't have to be preoccupied with their problems anymore, but I can't help to feel helpless and weak when I look at my family. Part of my still holds resentment, anger, and frustration; although I know I shouldn't--it's really hard to fully bring myself to complete forgiveness and reconciliation with them. I know that I need to love them through their difficult times (and I do), but I feel like it is my duty to do something more (maybe because I still feel like they are responsible for making me a certain way, I don't know).

How do I bring myself to forgivness? How do I relax and be healthy and deal with my frustration? Right now, I feel like such a stranger around them, but I don't know if that's my doing or if I am really that much different.

What to do, what to do.

Where's My Masculinity?

With finals beginning next week, I have had little time to get online to do anything that wasn't homework or study related. I need a break from the books though, so I am here to share something that has really been on my mind.

I think it has finally hit me how feminine I am. Like I'm really "fag-ish" by stereotypical definition. I think it is more so my voice that really shows my feminine side. I've known since, well since most of life, that I have a high-pitched feminine sounding voice. Throughout high school I would intentionally deepen my voice so that I wouldn't be called gay (it didn't work though). But I have been told by vocal trainers for singing that I don't speak correctly (in terms of technique).

Recently I've been making phone calls for various reasons and I am often called, "Ma'am" or asked if I'm my wife (Vince Cervantes' wife). In high school, I would take deep offense to that and I would correct them with the right title, but then there was just that awkward apology from the other party.

I'm not really bothered by being called, "Ma'am" anymore, in fact, I chuckle and just go with it. But what I really started thinking about is why it used to bother me so much that I would have "fem" moments. Why did it bother me when some would say that my "man points" were declining? Or even why I would get offended when people said I was effeminate?

I used to believe the misconception that gender expression was often associated with sexual orientation. So since I wasn't butch, then people would see that I was gay. I obviously didn't want them to think that because at the time I was still convinced that homosexuality was sinful. So I did my best to make myself as non-fem as possible. I played sports (although I did enjoy swimming) and I would deepen voice as much as sounded natural (which was hard for a first tenor singer).

While I going through conversion therapy we examined the fact that I was not masculine. I was told that I need to understand the masculinity of the holy spirit; therefore, I need to surround myself with strong men of God. However, I was matched up with older married men from the Men's Ministry group--I guess so that I wouldn't develop attractions for the guys my age. What I learned about masculinity from them though was how to subjugate women. Apparently making women inferior validates a man's masculinity.

As I am beginning to study gender more and more I am fascinated by what society has made of gender and what religion has made of gender. Why is my gender expression so often connected with my sexual orientation? Why can't we seem to believe a "feminine" acting man when he says he's straight? Recently I've began to call myself gender queer. I am hesitant at times to identify as gender queer because I am not fully sure what that means for me. But so far, I feel that because I cannot fit into the mold society has created for what it is masculine, then I don't want to conform to make myself pass. I call myself a man because I am one. But I am through with letting society try to define that for me. I'm masculine in my own ways!

In the words of Angel from Rent: "I'm more of man than you'll ever be and more of woman than you'll ever get!"