Family Matters

No, not the family sitcom from the 90s, but I am dealing with some family matters and I am also learning that family does matter. So there is a lot cooking in my mental pot right now.

When I was in counseling (conversion therapy), my counselor and I examined my family very closely. Apparently there is criteria for how a family is supposed to be and how the children are supposed to be raised, but my family didn't meet that criteria. So our examination of my family served to show me how dysfunctional my family was. I was convinced that it was my parents' fault that I was struggling with homosexuality (especially my father) because of their lack of "ideal" parenting. I built up resentment towards my parents as a result of feeling that they screwed my life up and set me up for spiritual failure.

One thing that I really came face to face with during ex-gay counseling was the "dysfunctional" behavior of my family. I became aware of issues that were always there, but never really looked at. My parents' relationship with each other was violent (tongue and heart, never physical) and unhealthy and it often affected the children. There was a huge lack of communication--well the only communication was yelling and never-ending arguments. Lack of "loving discipline." And there were several others.

Although we brought these issues up and I was now face-to-face with them, I was never taught how to cope with them. I didn't learn how to create a loving and safe environment for myself within my family. Primarily because I think the goal was just to find blame for my homosexuality: my family's detrimental behavior and lifestyles.

It's been a struggle for me, after starting my detoxing from ex-gay therapy, to, 1. find forgiveness for my parents, for their lack of control and discipline; 2. to reconcile that I am very different from my family and I always have been (I'm non-violent, I live with a sense of purpose, and I'm a Christian); and 3. to want them as my family. I've grown and have worked on these things a lot within myself, and I make every attempt to try to work with my family on this (although they don't want to hear it, nor do they really care).

Presently, my family is at a point where I have never seen myself so disconnected. I don't mean to share their personal issues, but their personal issues have affected me greatly and ex-gay therapy has amplified it. My parents are now (as of this week) going through a divorce. My parents are both also going through their "mid-life crises." My sisters are over actively exploring their sexuality and individualism. And I don't know how to deal with all of this.

I am married, so I technically don't have to be preoccupied with their problems anymore, but I can't help to feel helpless and weak when I look at my family. Part of my still holds resentment, anger, and frustration; although I know I shouldn't--it's really hard to fully bring myself to complete forgiveness and reconciliation with them. I know that I need to love them through their difficult times (and I do), but I feel like it is my duty to do something more (maybe because I still feel like they are responsible for making me a certain way, I don't know).

How do I bring myself to forgivness? How do I relax and be healthy and deal with my frustration? Right now, I feel like such a stranger around them, but I don't know if that's my doing or if I am really that much different.

What to do, what to do.